The delayed monk

2005-04-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

Here's Bam

2005-04-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

Alright, I've gone back to blogger.. but I'm not going to use this one. I'm making my own, personal one. I'm tired of not being honest.. I don't give a shit if anyone reads anything I write anymore... Online journals are kind of a joke.. because after a while, you're just writing for people to read what you have to say.. Not like a real journal..

So.. it's been fun.

peace.

Snake...

2005-04-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

You had to challenge me, didn't you.. Snake..
You had to shoot your revolver at me.
Make me follow you through your sewers.. with your.. dogs..
I'll never chase your apes.
I'll never get your cammo.
Though I may crawl through the forrest, and try to shock you by sneaking up on you..
I won't give in.
Giving in would mean that I have to sneak into Ben's room.
I have to come back to you.

God, I'm drunk.

Revolver shot my eye out.

Bah nah naaaaaah!

2004-10-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

spider

2004-10-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

this is the motherfucker who scared me

Nostalgic fits of jealous rage

2004-09-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. it's been a long time in terms of me updating I suppose. I quit for a while, since I thought everyone who read my journal's opinion of me was a lot more important than what I initially started a journal for anyways.

This is my journal. Occasionally people piss me off. And, while yes.. this journal is online, where people can read it.. It is MY journal, you don't have to read it, and you should know that when I do vent in here about people, it's only so I can have a place to relieve some stress as opposed to blowing up in someone's face. Kind of the modern version of writing a letter and not mailing it.

A journal to me is more or less a coping mechanism. So, here I go.

A lot has happened since I last updated. I've spent a lot of time with my friends, the people who make me truly the happiest. The guys in my apartment, Tom, Ben, and Cooner... Well, they're amazing. Not in the way a girl would call her friends amazing, but in the way that when I need to forget something, I can spend an hour with them, laugh my ass off.. and then I'm pretty good.

I've spent a lot of time with Ashley. We've grown really close, and I've really enjoyed her company. It's really good to have girls for friends. While she does play videogames with us and do the stuff that us guys do.. it's an entirely different type of friendship than I have with the housemates.

This past weekend, I drove to Stillwater to go to Orange Peel. I stayed at Jeremy's with he and Kyle, but Jennifer, Susanne, Amanda (a girl from back home.. my first girlfriend ever actually) and Jenn's mom went with us. It was a pretty good time until some really innebriated people showed up. Not so much a problem that they showed up, but they were sitting right in front of me, and some of them weren't in the right seats.. so it was really smashed space, and they were really all over the place. There was a chick who I wanted to punch in the throat, she drove me crazy. So, Susanne and I tried to go outside to listen from the outside of the stadium, but unfortunately, we couldn't hear from out there, and we couldn't get back in once we had left.. So, we just walked around OSU's campus, eventually just sitting by a pond and talking. It was a good talk.

I've got a lot of things in my life that I really need to sort out lately. A lot of issues that seem like they're walking the fine line between normaly disfunction and big time drama. Baby's mama drama even....

Ok, well..... not so much.. just sounded funny.

Anyways, I enjoyed the rest of my weekend, rented Silent Hill 4, got scared.. and saw Resident Evil 2. Not as good as I had hoped, but still pretty scary. I don't like endings that do nothing but set up the next movie.. but I can get over it.

So, I really don't want to write anymore right now, because Adult Swim is going to be coming on pretty soon. Sweet ass.

I'd also like to skate tonight.. Though, I might get lazy. Will probably call Ashley and see if she wants to come hang.

Peace.

2004-08-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of anger over some of my posts. I posted something about Susanne's mom, that, had they been said aloud, I suppose would have been in poor taste. While this is my journal, I suppose I forget that it is online, and people can get offended.

Though, I would like to fly a middle finger, and continue to write, I honestly don't want to argue with people. I've got bigger things to worry about than an online journal. I know I honestly enjoy reading the journals of my friends, and I like knowing how they're feeling about life.. So, I'm sorry if any of you wish I would keep writing. I've been really depressed lately, concerning Susanne's family situation, and our friendship.

So, instead of making more fights than I care to have, I'm just going to stop posting.

Thanks to those who have been there for me. This is a lot cheesier than I wanted it to be. Peace

You, you bring the cats

2004-08-29T23:17:00.000-07:00

Ok well, it's been an interesting weekend. I didn't really do a whole lot Friday night. There were a lot of people over, coming and going. I realized that Hero was out, so I went and saw that with Cooner, Lucky, Kyle and Jamie. I had a good time, though the movie I didn't really care for. It was too much like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon I thought. I mean, I wanted just a cool action movie, and not a drama. I don't want to leave a movie like that feeling like I've learned something, or like I care about life more.

Not that type of movie.

Anyways, after that, I went back to the apartment, and I just hung out for a while. I invited Ash over, and we kind of just sat there while everyone continually got more drunk. I bought some beer that night, but I really didn't feel like drinking, so Ash and I just went over to her apartment and watched Drop Dead Gorgeous.. one of my favorite movies.

Let me tell you, any movie with a retarded person in it that isn't sad... Pretty high on my list.

I had a good time with Ash, though we both got tired and stopped the movie early.

Saturday, I drove to Tulsa with Ben to see my family and Susanne. We all went to lunch together, and then Ben and I spent the afternoon/evening with Susanne. We were supposed to go to the movies and then meet some of her friends at Incredible Pizza.. I mean, just a few, so I could see who she was hanging out with this school year. Well, 21 people from her school came.. they were like a freaking church group. I was a little peeved, because we were only there to meet her friends, and at one point, someone looked at us and was like "Oh, I don't recognize them.. are they with us?" The even started singing friggin' hymns in the entry to the restaraunt. Then, Ben, Suz, and I sat alone for most of the meal. I met a couple of people, and then didn't really see them again.

So, instead of eating and hanging out for a while, they ate in another room as a big group, not with us.. and then left early to go back to their college and play capture the flag. I mean, they seemed nice, but I really don't feel like I met any one of them. Well, except for one girl, Daisy I think.. she seemed nice. Can't remember any one of the others.

Today, I did laundry, and that was about it for the better part of the day. Ben and I rented a game that we played online, which was fun... We went over to Ash's this evening, and that was a freaking blast. We played SSX some, but then we busted out this karaoke game, and that was hilarious. The girls kicked our butts.. but oh well, I still laughed until I cried.

Came home, watched Bowling for Columbine, and now I'm going to bed.

I'm trying to figure some stuff out lately, and I'm not gonna put that in here, but I guess we all need our time to do that. I hope everyone can be patient.. and heck.. if you can't, don't read this journal.

I really miss Jeremy. I hear things about him in passing, and I really wish I could hang out with him. I guess I'll see him next weekend for Orange Peel. Should be fun.

Later cats, Alex

I want to be eccentric

2004-08-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

I don't want to write a whole lot tonight, because I've got a lot of things going through my head. I've had a really great week with some of the people I care about the most.

Coming back to college has been kind of eye opening. I still don't talk to some friends I lost last year. I'm still close to ones that I made new last year, and some of the ones I thought were really good friends, turned out to not be.

I was watching a commercial for the movie I heart Huckabees.. on www.apple.com, go to quicktime, movie trailers, and it's under fox searchlight... watch it.

I've decided that with my new choice to go back into psychology.. I want to dedicate my life to just watching and appreciating people. For just how different we are.

We rented The Girl Next Door tonight. It was really good, but it made me think a lot. It reminded me of my freshman year of college...

I'm going to Tulsa this weekend to see my family, Susanne, and some randoms from Bartlesville. I'm pretty excited, because I get to see a lot of people I miss from home, and I get to see Garden State. The movie I've waited months for.

Ashley came over tonight, and I really can't explain how cool it is that she comes to hang out with us guys. She's definitely someone I want around a lot this year. She's a blast.

I've got a lot going on in my mind. Stuff even I can't get a grip on just yet, so I'm gonna keep it under wraps right now. Peace.

Taking back Sunday

2004-08-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

Well, this is going to be short.

It's been an interesting week, to say the least. School's started, apartment life with the guys is freaking amazing, and I'm meeting and spending time with some really great people. I've really missed my friends, so it's great to be around them again. We're all really unique, and we just fit together well. Ashley's been around a lot lately, and now that I know she doesn't think we're all just really big nerds, it's really cool to have her around. She seems like someone I can really talk to and enjoy myself with.

Susanne and I talked last night. With us not being together, I feel like I can say a little more in here than I would have before.. but man, I really feel sorry for her. Her family is just seriously disfunctional. Her parents have money, so they spoiled the kids when they were younger. Susanne's brother dropped out of highschool, has 2 kids with another on the way, and he has a lot of issues that I don't need to describe.

Susanne's bombed out of two colleges now, and her parents don't think it's their fault for never making her be responsible when she was younger. Susanne doesn't know how to buckle down and do anything. Her parents put her down all the time, and well.. it's just a really abusive, unhealthy relationship that she has with them. Her mom is just crazy. That's all there is to it. She threatens Susanne with home and money all the time, and then tells her that she loves her. I mean, Susanne wants so badly for her mom to be nice to her, and love her.. But her mom is just a really manipulative person. I'm just hoping Susanne doesn't turn out that way.

Susanne hates being at home one minute, and then her mom can just change all of a sudden, and Susanne thinks her mom's the best thing in the world.

It's really frustrating, and it makes me happy I'm not a part of it. My family may not be perfect, but we know who loves who, and we don't mistreat each other.

I guess, it's just really pissing me off lately, because I want to help my friends. Susanne's getting treated like crap.. But I think I'm going to have to stop worrying about it. Susanne really needs to just grow up, and be an adult... I just don't think she can. And her parents are going to be there to point out every little slip up she has. Love? I don't think so.

I need to get to bed. I've got class in 12 hours.. That's about enough sleep for me.

Later fools

Back in Tahlequah

2004-08-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I know I haven't updated for a while, but I've been really busy.. and I really haven't had the time.

I've gone back to school, and class starts tomorrow.

Um, there really hasn't been that much going on. I came back to Tahlequah Friday, and Susanne came and helped me move in. We hung out with Ben and Cooner, and had a really good time.

I think everyone's back. We went out to dinner with Kyle, Jamie, Stephanie, and Rumi too..

Oh man, Rumi brought me back a picture from Japan, holy crap.. it's the coolest thing ever.

Other than that, nothing really. I had dinner with Sheryl last night, Ben and Cooner came too. It was fun, we watched Zoolander, and yeah. That movie is freaking hilarious.

Then, Ashley came over, and we just hung out for a while. We didn't do much though, just played videogames, drank a little, and then Lucky, Kyle, and Jamie came over, and we all watched stuff on my computer. We watched some really messed up stuff, but it was all really funny.

I hope Ashley isn't freaked out, because I think she's starting to see what we're like when we're all together. We're nerds, but we have a good time.

So, Tom comes back today, and then class tomorrow.. Should be fun.

The apartment is freaking awesome, I love my room...

I'm a little homesick, but I guess that's to be expected. Hope all is well with everyone, and I'll try to update soon. Peace, Alex

I'm gonna need a pitcher of gravy...

2004-08-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

Well, today I didn't really do a whole heck of a lot. I woke up around 12, played Xbox by myself for the better part of the day.. and that was about it.

This evening, I went into town and met the family and Adam's friend Joseph for dinner, which was alright. Billie was there too (my great grandma) and as much as I love her.. I really don't like going out to eat with her that much anymore. She can love a place one day, and then the next... she can hate it. I mean, she's just getting old, and kind of crotchity... I guess it happens to everyone. Ah well..

After that, we went home and Susanne came out, and Adam, Mojo, Suz, and I played Xbox for quite a while. It was a lot of fun. We all really are into Red Dead Revolver right now, and it's fun, because we're all pretty good. It means a lot that Susanne plays with us, and actually acts like she enjoys us. Not many 20 year old girls would play videogames with a nerd, and his little brother.

My eye bruised up a bit from the piercing, but it's starting to go down.. The new tattoo's still pretty raw, but that's to be expected.

Honestly, I just kind of felt lazy today. Though, I really didn't mind.

I'm a little nervous about the school year starting, because I think I'm going to change my major.. and I really am not looking forward to seeing how that affects my plans.

Though, I'm going to try and keep my cool, and remain as laid back as possible... Because, as the sunscreen speech says:

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The
most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with
their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't."

So... I'm good.

Hope everyone is having an awesome weekend. I love those of you that I know.

Alex

2004-08-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

My new Sanskrit tattoo

And then, it was written

2004-08-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

So, I'm tired, and Adam is waiting on me to play Red Dead Revolver with him.

But, I got a new tattoo today, and I wanted to put on here what it looked like. I don't have a picture of it actually on me yet, but I think the design is pretty boss.

I was going to get a Celtic cross and this today, but I changed my mind last minute.

The fact that this was 80 dollars, and the cross was going to be 280 also helped in that decision.

Anyways.. peace everyone, enjoy your summer days while they last.

Miss those of you I haven't seen much recently... There's quite a few of you.

I got your dousche in my eye!

2004-08-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

So.. I got a new piercing today.

My only piercing right now, but not my first ever. More than likely, my last too.. I'm not that big of a pincushion.

I got my eyebrow pierced today. It was really cool. The lady at the Wall that did it was really nice and I actually think it fits me (though I really didn't think it would, going into it)

So, today.. I didn't do much.

Oh, my dad's ex wife called me today and talked for what seemed like ever. She told me that my half brother, Travis (who I've never met) found out that I was out there, and might want to meet me... I think she's full of shit, and I honestly don't want to meet anyone that has anything to do with her... but it was still really weird to actually talk to her. I guess she's been harassing dad lately.

I feel sorry for him, I know it really upsets him.

After that, I went to Arby's with Susanne and Adam, and then I went to Hastings, and then got my piercing.

I came home and played Xbox for a while, and talked to Ashley on the phone. It was good to hear from her, though I never know what to say. I'm just not a very good phone talker, never have been... eh..

Um, Cait, Ben, and Susanne came out tonight to watch the new Reno, and they all stayed pretty late. But now, they're all gone, and I'm updating here.. getting ready to go to bed. Peace all, Alex

Discipline, Loyalty, Passion, and Humor

2004-08-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

The summer's almost over. It's been a really interesting ride.

The three day stay up has been called off, on account of Adam being grounded. I'm not all that let down. I was looking forward to it, but not looking forward to losing three days of the remainder of my summer.

I went to Tahlequah last night with Ben, and that was fun. I'd go into detail about what we did, but we really didn't do anything other than hang out with friends.

I think tomorrow, I'm going to go see Collateral (again) with Adam. I want to see it again, and I want him to see it for the first time.

My Scrubs soundtrack came into Hastings today, and I'm going to go get it here in a little bit.

Part of me is really excited about the school year starting, but part of me is nervous. My depression has been an ocean of ups and downs this summer. I want to be able to go to school and keep my passion and my integrity about certain things, but I want to be able to just have fun. I want to be myself most of all. I'm afraid sometimes that I'm not good at that. I succumb to peer pressure too much.

I don't want to drink much at all this year. I want to focus on my studies. I want straight A's.

I want to find happiness in solitude. Not in lonliness, but I want to be happy around people, and even when I'm not with someone. I struggle with that. The desire to have a significant other, the desire to have a crutch. If I'm with someone, I want it to be because I'm crazy about that person, and not because I'm crazy without that person.

For the rest of the summer, I'm going to practice my swordplay for an hour every day, and read for an hour every day. I've been too lazy about the books that I have this summer, I have things that I really need to read. I want to get a little darker too. I think these two hours of the day will help a little bit. I really want to start running a little bit. Ben looks good. He's lost weight. I want to do that too.

I've found out this summer the people in my life that I really love. Regardless of the past, there are some people that I know legitimately care about me, and I them. Caitlin has made this summer amazing. Though I didn't see her much, Sheryl has been awesome too. Of course, Jeremy and Jenn were wonderful... though Jeremy's a punk sometimes, and can't pick up a movie ticket for me.. he means well.

And Susanne.. Well, I think she cares about me to the best of her ability. I've learned a lot about her this summer. Things that make me glad I'm not with her right now... but things that make me not hate her. I think we all grow up differently. It's just that we have to get to a point where we become our own person, and not blame our parents for the things we do.

But then again, who am I to think I have ANY insight to anything. I'm so far from perfect, and so far from 100% happy that it's not even funny. Though, I'm picking up pointers.

I'm ready for my next tattoos. They've been planned, and I've got the money. Soon.

Enjoy, Alex

Oh insanity, how you elude me

2004-08-05T23:26:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a pretty good day.

I woke up, got dressed, and went into town with mom.

We went to enroll Adam at Central, then we went out to lunch at Ocean China, and then we went to visit Billie. I had a really good time doing all of these things, but I was pretty tired during them all too.

I guess today was Jeremy's last day of work, but he went to Stillwater I think this weekend, so I won't see him until Saturday or Sunday..

So after Billie's, I went home and started playing Harvest Moon again. Susanne called and asked if she could come hang out for a while, so she came out and we worked on our farm for a while. Man, that game is really addicting, even though it may sound boring...

But then, after a while, she left.. and I had to go into town to meet a girl who works for an art firm here in town.

Let me tell you.. though it may have been the right choice down the road, meeting this girl sure feels like the wrong choice right now.

This girl went to college to be a graphic designer, and is the head at the best art firm in Bartlesville. But, she told me.. if she had it all over to do again.. She'd do something else. She said that graphic design makes no money, especially if you want to stay around Bartlesville... Her job is stressful, and she hates her job...

So, I'm really confused right now... As it stands, I've got as many psychology credits as I do art credits, and I'm half tempted to just switch my major back. I'm really nervous, and I think that the next month is going to see a pretty big change in my plans.

I mean, I'm not money hungry.. but I want to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them, and let them have the things that they want. I'm afraid that if I stick with art, and if I stick around Bartlesville... I won't be able to do that.

It's scary, you know... thinking about the future...

We looked at houses today, and ruled out the one that I wanted mom to get. It didn't have a backyard.. and they're going to have Sandy, so that wouldn't work out.

Anyways, after I met with the lady from Pendergraphics.. I gave a ride to a guy who met with us, Mario, to his car.. I knew Mario from the Credit Union. His office was like 2 down from mine. We talked in my car for a while, and that was really fun. He just turned 40, but he acts like he's my age.

After that, I came home and moved a new bed into my room. My room feels like I have so much more room now that I don't have that dang king size bed in there.

I called Caitlin and invited her out. So, she came out, watched me play Xbox for a while, and then she and I went to see Catwoman.

Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Though, the trailer is misleading... apparently, instead of getting all the powers of a cat.. she gets the power to turn computer generated whenever she wants. I mean, this movie was at least half fake. It's kind of sad that they have to do that nowadays.. But all in all, it was actually pretty entertaining. I think I went in with hopes low enough that what it actually delivered was higher than what I expected.

So, tomorrow.. I don't really have anything planned. I need to clean my room, but other than that.. nothing.

Adam comes home Saturday, and I can't fucking wait. I miss that kid so much, it's not funny.

I can't wait to hear about his trip.

I went when I was 11, and it was pretty life changing.. I hope he got something out of it.

I think I'm done now though, can't think of anything else to say about things. Ali's apparently mad at me still, but whatever. I told her what I wanted to, and I'm through with it all.

Night all, peace.. Alex

Oh Cooner, I'm coming home!

2004-08-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

Well today was kind of a wasted day. I didn't really do anything. I mean, I got up, and did some stuff that mom asked me to do (cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes) but as far as doing something productive that benefitted me.. Nope. Nothing.

Susanne came out and hung out with me for the better part of the day. We played a PS2 game that I bought yesterday called Harvest Moon. It's a farming sim. Yup.. Farming.

Doesn't sound like fun, but let me tell you... it's a freaking blast.

Anyways, tonight, I was really wanting everyone to come out and watch Reno 911, but Caitlin didn't want to come. She thinks Susanne doesn't like her. I don't know, girls are just always looking for someone to not like them. I really wanted her here. I feel like we're REALLY drifting apart, and it just sucks.. big time.

Um, other than that.. I didn't really do a whole heck of a lot today. Ali is being a turd, because she's saying that I made some stupid assumption about her acting like she didn't want to be here. Honestly, I don't really care. I won't make that mistake again. ... Um.. 'nuff said..

So.. I think I'm going to go cook some mac n cheese, and then head to bed, I'm pretty beat. I fell asleep while Suz was playing videogames earlier, so I guess that's a sign. Hope everyone had a great day. Later my friends, Alex

Save the homeland!

2004-08-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

Ok well, I'm tired.. so I'm not going to write a ton.

I didn't do a whole heck of a lot today. I basically just stayed around the house, ate lunch with Jeremy, Jenn, and Susanne... went with mom to Billie's, and then I went shopping.

Tonight, I went to Jeremy's and hung out for a long time, we had Taco Bell for dinner, and then Jenn and Suz joined us to go see The Village. It was a pretty good movie, but I knew the twist at the end before it happened, and that kind of stunk. But, oh well.. sometimes that just happens.

I'd recommend it though. I think, had I not known the ending, I would have been pretty tense.

Anyways, I got into an argument with mom today, and that kind of sucks. I told her I was in a bad mood today, but I think she was too. We got into it over politics, which is frustrating. She knows I don't care at all about politics, and she cares a lot, and she finally just blew up at me that I don't have an opinion. I can see her side, but I think she went about it all the wrong way. Mom's easily offended, and she thought that my apathy to the whole subject meant that I didn't care about something she was passionate about.

I guess we all have our moments. It just sucks when we fight, because we're normally the one that we each go to when we fight with everyone else. It sucks when you're mad at your sanctuary.

Though, I'm tired now.. I'm bummed because I'm not going to go hang out with Ash on Thursday. I was REALLY looking forward to going to the cookout with her, but the lady I'm supposed to meet from Pendergraphics had the meeting moved up to this Thursday, so I think I'm gonna talk Ben into going to Tahlequah with me to see some people.

Speaking of which, Ben comes home either tomorrow or the next day, I don't remember, but I'm stoked.

So, I'm out for the night, peace all.

So.. that's what a wizard looks like

2004-08-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been an interesting week. I'm through with work, at both jobs. I've recieved my last check from the church.. and the Credit Union still is going to pay me for the next three weeks. They're weird.

Not a lot has been going on, I've just been hanging out with friends, and family. Adam left for Mexico.. for a mission trip.. and the house feels SO empty without him. I've rented two videogames without him, and let me tell you.. It's just not the same.

Anyways, I've spent a little time with Suz, a little time with Jeremy, and a little time with Caitlin.. Nothing to speak of. Today, Susanne spent the afternoon with me, and then she went home to spend some time with her neice and nephew.

Then, Jeremy and Jenn came out, and watched some tv with me.. and then Caitlin and Ali came out and we all watched The Assistant. Ali made it pretty clear she didn't want to be there, and honestly, I wish people who didn't want to be around me, wouldn't come. She acted put out the whole time she was here.

So, after The Assistant.. Jeremy and Jenn left, and then Cait and Ali and I watched The Crow. I freaking love that movie, but watching it with Ali ruined it. She got mad everytime anyone made a peep. That kind of sucked.

Oh well though, it's all good.

Anyways, tomorrow.. I'm having lunch with my friends.. and then I don't know what.

Later in the week, I'm going to hang out with Ashley, and I can't wait.

Though, for now.. that's all I've got. Enjoy your lives. Alex

man, it's this late already

2004-07-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well today, work sucked.

I mean, it wasn't that bad, but it was just forever long. As it is most days... Especially the days that I somehow end up in the mortgage department.

Yeah, I might have a more "mature" job than any of the tellers... but man, I think I'd happily trade them.. just for some variety in my work. Working with home loans is just about the most boring thing in the world... The only thing that keeps me entertained is actually seeing the houses that people buy. I get to look at all sorts of pictures.

Um, I had lunch at Billie's with Jeremy, but nothing exciting happened. Well, other than the fact that the people on Texas Justice were being so accidentally sexual that it was hilarious. Jeremy and I would die laughing, and poor Billie just didn't get it. She'd laugh too.. but man, I'd be afraid if she actually go the things we were laughing at.

After work, I went across the street to the church, where I thought we were having a normal youth night. We ended up just watching "The Majestic". I made the rounds to make sure the kids were being good.. but from what I saw of the movie, it wasn't bad at all. Even though I don't like him much, Jim Carrey is a really good actor. I just think he's really full of himself.

So, tonight, Jeremy came out to watch Reno 911, and Cait was supposed to come too.. but she called like 5 minutes before it started, and told me that her car had broken down, and I told her I'd come get her. Jeremy didn't want to go at first, because it was obvious that we were going to miss a lot of our show, but like the best friend that he is... He came too.

We had a really funny ride over there, making jokes about how we could probably do more stuff if we were gay.. because anyone who tried to stop us, we could accuse of a hate crime. Man, sometimes with Jeremy.. we start out with something that's just kind of silly.. but we keep joking about it, and usually by the time we stop.. I'm in tears.

Some people, you can just really enjoy yourself around. It helps too that Jeremy and I think almost exactly alike. It's like bouncing jokes off myself.

So, he left, and I talked to Caitlin for a while in my room. We talked about the summer, and how we felt about each other, and I think we got some stuff out in the open. Stuff that was already out there, but hadn't been said. She's really nervous about Susanne coming back (as I am too)... but earlier, when we were just talking.. there was this guy that she was interested in, and she was able to take her time and try and figure out what she wanted, and I just flat told her that's what I needed to do as well. I need to figure out myself, and what I want.

I'm tired, I should go to bed. I bought some alcohol tonight, but I'm not going to have time to drink any of it. It's cool though, it'll keep. It's just cheap beer and some Pucker schnapps. Good times all around.

Ashley invited me to a cookout that I'm going to see if I can go to. It's in Bixby.. which I have no idea where that is. I know that she's a blast to hang out with though, so I want to be around her whenever I can.

Anyways, peace my friends, enjoy your Thursday. It's my second to last day to work. YAY

Love you all, Alex

short post

2004-07-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

I didn't do a whole lot today. I went to work, and ate lunch with Jeremy at Billie's.

After work, I went to Hastings and ordered the soundtrack to Scrubs, the tv show. I read about it online, and it's all music I really think I'll like. Well, I actually went to Hastings to buy it, but since they didn't have it, I ordered it, and bought a used "The Eels" cd. I like it a lot. They're so mellow.

After that, I went to this guy from my church's house and tried to teach him some about Adobe Photoshop.. But, he had this crappy version of it that he had gotten free, it was photoshop, but it had a lot of the best tools cut out of it. So, I tried to teach him what I could, but I don't know how effective it was. He asked if he could give me money for dinner, but I told him I wouldn't feel right, and then I went home.

I really wanted to go to Jeremy's house tonight and hang out with him, but I walked into my room when I got home, and I realized how much I hate being in there. It's so cluttered right now. I just cleaned my room tonight. It really needed it.. and, while I'm not completely done.. I've made a HUGE dent.

Um.. that's basically it. I talked Adam into hanging out with me while I cleaned, so in my room, we turned on Boondock Saints. I love that movie. Makes me really proud to be Irish.

Tomorrow, I've got work, then church.. and then who knows what. I really need to talk to Caitlin about some stuff, and I really want to hang out with Jeremy. Hopefully, I can squeeze them both in. The evenings go so fast.

Hope all is well for everyone. Love you all my friends. Peace

I will NOT be your sand nigger...

2004-07-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so...

Today, I went to work... did my usual stuff, and came home.

Well, in the middle, I had lunch with Jeremy. Texas Justice is in the beginnings of "Texas Justice in New York" week.. and that's some good times for Jeremy and me... two avid viewers.

But anyways, after work, I came home and just kind of relaxed for a few. Then, I went out, worked out with my sword, and then I went for a 2 mile walk with mom. It was really nice. We talked about a lot of stuff.

She and Larry are pretty much over, which kind of bums me out.. But not because I want her to be with Larry, just because I want everyone to be happy.. and I know that it's going to be a lot of crap when it actually goes down. A lot of inevitable, and necessary crap.. but crap, nonetheless.

Caitlin was supposed to hang out with us tonight, after she got out of class, but Megan, her friend from Texas, wanted to hang out with some random dude that she met a couple of days ago.. so Cait took her to do that, and kind of blew us off.

It was totally cool though.

Jeremy came out tonight, as I was on my walk with mom. He came out and we just basically watched tv and talked about things, and then we watched the new Andy Dick show, "The Assistant"..

Man, that show is hilarious. Andy is an ass to all the people on the show, and they take it so seriously..

So, after the new episode of that, Jeremy went home, and Susanne called, and I talked to her for a while. I guess she's really homesick, and ready to be back home. She seems to really genuinely miss me, and just Bartlesville in general.

I mean, we're not getting back together or anything, but it's nice to be missed. Well, it's nice to feel missed at least.

I think Susanne and I have a lot to talk about when she gets home.. basically, just for my own peace of mind... but I feel like I've really grown a lot this summer. I really feel like I've learned who I do care about, and who I don't care about.

What I do need in my life, and what I really don't need in my life.

Even though it's been one of the crappiest summers of my life (grandma dying, crap with Susanne, Larry and mom being so close to divorce, all my friends from Tahlequah being gone, grandpa being lonely and depressed, Susanne coming home, wanting to be back with me, me hating my job... everything)

I really feel like I've learned a lot, and grown a lot.

I'm ready for work to be over.

I'm ready for school to start.... Though, I'm gonna miss Jeremy like crazy.

I've really developed a new found respect for Jenn too this summer. I'm glad she's my best friend's girlfriend.

I'm going to bed. Peace.

words of wisdom

2004-07-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

From Eamon: the best RnB singer alive:

Ooh, I don't..
Know why..
I liked you so much...
I gave you all,
All my trust...
I told you...
I loved you..
Now it's all down the drain..
You put me through pain..
I want you to know that..

Fuck what I said,
It don't mean shit now..
Fuck the presents,
Might as well throw them all out..
Fuck all those kisses,
they didn't mean jack...
and fuck you, you ho..
I don't want you back....

See you though,
You could...
Keep this shit from me...
You burn bitch...
I heard the stories...
You played me...
Even gave him head...
Now you're asking for me back..
you're just another hack..
Look elsewhere, cause you're through with me...

Fuck what I said..
Don't mean shit now..
Fuck the presents,
might as well throw 'em out.
Fuck all those kisses..
they didn't mean jack
and fuck you, you ho...
I don't want you back.....

Man, that guy is freaking awesome.. He's the first singer I've ever seen that could make a song like that sound nice.

Oh bokken... you've failed me.

2004-07-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

Well today was pretty great. I woke up, laid around for a while, and then Larry came home from church, bringing me Sonic for lunch. That was pretty cool of him.

Mom and Adam went to church, and then to Billie's and to grandpa Mose's to visit, so Larry and I just sat around eating lunch, and watching tv. Then, we went outside to hang a glass storm door on the back of my room that we've been meaning to for a long time.

As we were doing that, Joey and Danny came out to get props out of my car, and then they went in to Danny's house to film.

I helped Larry all but finish the door.. and then I went inside to shower and get ready to go film myself.

Mom and Adam came home from church with Cici.. this girl who goes to church with us.

Cici's mom is a piece of crap, and she is never home.. so she comes out to our house nearly every Sunday.. Well, today Cici and mom were going to cook brownies for this ice cream social tonight at church. So, mom's changing out of her church clothes.. and Cici's getting stuff ready in the kitchen... But, what she doesn't know is that mom keeps bread and stuff in the oven (Billie does it too.. I guess the women of my family are just weird) but Cici turns the oven on, to preheat.... Man, they open the oven.. and smoke city.

Burnt microwave popcorn, bran cereal, pringles, tostito chips, and bread. Ugh... the smoke seriously burned my nose. Heck, the house still stinks....

But man... I laughed my butt off. Poor Cici felt SOOOOO bad... but everyone, even Larry, told her it wasn't her fault at all, and that it was funny. We got it cleaned out of the oven, and went on with everything.

So, I cleaned up, and went into Danny's, with Cici and Adam, to film.

We filmed some at the church, where Caitlin and Megan met us. We filmed a shower scene, which went really great, and then we filmed a weapon training scene. Man, this movie is going to be freaking hilarious. The shower scene had everyone near crying.. it was so funny. Let's just say.. I was in a swimsuit, soaked, fake bawling my eyes out.

After that, we went to a soccer field here in town to film a HUGE sword fight. We coreographed everything, and let me tell you... in slow motion, this sword fight is dang near professional looking. Joey and I had a blast filming.

Anyways, we went to the ice cream social after that, enjoyed ourselves.. and then I came home.

Adam and I have been playing PS2 for a while now, and I think I'm about ready for bed. This is my LAST week of work, I'm so stoked.

Hope all is well for everyone. Love you all. Peace. Roam

Jesus H. Christ... These kids

2004-07-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

Well today was a really good day.

I woke up, and went into the cell phone place with my mom, so I could update my plan. I've been texting and getting text messages from people like crazy, and I was paying out the wazoo for them, so I got a new plan, so I can actually do that without getting the shaft.

After that, I went to lunch with mom and Billie (Ocean China... or, as I like to call it.. Heaven on Earth). That was fun. Billie got the inevitable fortune that she ALWAYS gets.

Ok, for those who don't know, mom and I get a huge kick (because we're 12.. apparently) out of putting "between the sheets" after the end of the fortune in fortune cookies. And Billie ALWAYS gets one that we can't stop laughing at, and she never gets it. For instance.. a few months ago, she got "In the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man reigns supreme"

But anyways, today, Billie got "Don't hurry, those who go first will not always be the happiest."

So.. yeah.. I just about peed my pants. And, as always, Billie didn't get it...

Oh yeah, and if you don't know, Billie is my 87 year old great grandma. She's the coolest.

So anyways, after that, I met with Joey to film. We sat down and completely planned out our new movie on paper, and then filmed one of the scenes. It's freaking awesome too.. because, since this time we're using a computer to edit everything, we can actually not only film everything out of order, and then put it in order on the computer.. we can leave in all the messups, for a blooper reel.

Oh man, I'm stoked.

I don't want to say too much, but today.. we filmed a flashback montage of me playing on a playground with two roosters. Good times.

Oh, at the playground.. I decided that I hate kids. Well, not all kids... but the ones at the playground today. They WOULD NOT leave us alone. We just wanted to shoot our stuff, and then jet.. but no.. They kept asking us questions, asking if they could be in the movie.. and their mom, who was like 30 feet away, kept looking at us, like we were perverts, with our videocamera and all. These kids were really annoying.. They kept taking our props, running away, and stuff like that. I mean, I wouldn't do that when I was a kid.

I might now... but not back then....

So, after that, I went home and cleaned up, so I could go see I,Robot with mom, Jeremy, Adam, and Jenn. That was fun. I really like that movie. Mom and Adam really liked it too. It really meant a lot to me that Jeremy and Jenn went too, because they went and saw it last night. It was awesome of Jenn to go, since she had seen it once, but Jeremy... well, this was big number 3 for the J-man. I know Jeremy's like me, and he can watch movies over and over if he likes them.. but it was still cool of him.

Man, my phone would not stop vibrating during the movie.

Ashley called, and that was really cool. Susanne called, and text messaged me.. and then Ashley's roommate called.

After the movie, I called everyone back. Talked to Suz for a few, and talked to Ashley for about as long. Apparently, Ash had called me, and then when her roommate called, it was just because she had told her that I had a funny voicemail message.

Yeah, I live for those referrals.

Then, I met Cait, Meg, and Ali at pizza hut.. We hung out and drove around for a while, and then I went home. Watched a little Reno 911 with Adam, and now I'm just getting ready to go to bed.

I bought some Rolling Rock tonight, but honestly.. I'm not that impressed.

Lindsey is going on and on online now, trying to make it sound like she really wanted to hang out with us last weekend. Man, what a bia. I wish some people weren't such drama queens.

Ugh...

Goodnight my friends, it's been a really good day.

I've decided that I live for this filming thing. It's an awesome feeling, to be behind the scenes on something that I know is going to be huge.. and hilarious. To actually create something.

Dazed and confused

2004-07-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

So yeah.. tonight, I didn't really do much.

I watched tv with Adam, drank, and talked to Susanne on the phone.

I got bored around 11:30 and went into town, giving Cait a call.. but she was busy, so Adam and I just went to Blockbuster, didn't find anything, bought some Gardetto's and Chex mix at Kick's.. and then went home.

Not too bad of a night.

I'm kind of lonely tonight. I got invited to Tahlequah tomorrow, and honestly.. if I hadn't told Joey I'd film with him, I'd be there in a heartbeat. There are a couple of really good friends (Sheryl and Ash) that I'd LOVE to see.

Heck, not to mention Cooner....

Anyways, I guess I'm gonna go to bed. I'm tired. Peace.

We are friends...

2004-07-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight was a pretty good night. I got off work, swung by the bank to get some funds... (Yes, I got off of work at the bank, and drove to another bank.. but only because I got off after the teller line at mine closed) and then I went home.

We had pizza for dinner, and then I drove into town and saw Anchorman with Cait and Meg. It was really funny.. but seriously man, I think Brick steals the movie. I just love retarded people. I don't know why.. they just hit me in that special place.... Right in the baby maker.

I guess Jeremy was busy with Jenn tonight. He told me to give him a call, but didn't answer, so I'm just kind of chilling at home.

I wanted to hang out with Adam, but he's literally been on the phone since 6:30, and it's now 10:15. Ah, though... such is life when you're 14 and have a girlfriend. The phone becomes your new best friend.

But alas, I digress....

Cait and Meg were going to Vinita to a rodeo, so I skipped out. Susanne called, and I talked to her for a while, and now.. I think I'm going to go draw. I'm not really bored, just kind of restless. I feel like I need to do something. Maybe I'll work on a gift for a certain "gomer" I know, to hang in their kitchen.

Was that blatant? I think not....

Peace my friends, be good to one another. Alex

poems

2004-07-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

I got bored tonight, so I'm posting yet again.. a third time..

Have you ever been to www.poetry.com?

I'm on there, Alexander Stephenson

Jeremy's on there, Jeremy Story

Jenn's on there, Jennifer Thornbrugh

Heck, even Molly's on there, Molly Mcdougan, even with a new poem to her unborn baby

It's interesting to read people's insights into their own life. Especially when they're not recent. When they're old, and you know that the people have changed.

Take a look.

Ok well then...

2004-07-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided that I don't want to see Catwoman.

I looked it up on Yahoo movies, and the highest grade it's gotten so far is a C-. I think I'll pass on it, and maybe just go see I,Robot again.. or maybe The Bourne Supremacy. I don't really know.

Tonight, was fun. I went to Jeremy's house and had pizza with he and Kyle. Then, we sat around and watched tv until Caitlin came over.

Jenn got there shortly after, we all played a little pool.. and then we watched a little bit of a virtual porn. I don't really want to go into too much detail on that one, but it's pretty much read it, and you get the idea.

So, anyways, Susanne called tonight, all down that she was gone, missing all the fun. That girl is psycho, I swear. She makes huge decisions, and then regrets them within like 2 days. She needs to learn to sit and think about stuff before she just jumps into it.. But, it's her life, and not mine.. and if she learns that, she has to do it on her own.

Anyways, tomorrow.. I have work, and then I don't know what. Cait's friend Meg should be here, and I think we're all going to do something tomorrow night. It should be a lot of fun. Meg's a really cool girl, and I know that Caitlin is excited for her to be here. Two weekends in a row for them hanging out, I think that's pretty great.

I've been on a really great kick of music here lately. I bought a couple of cd's used that I really wanted for a while now, and I'm loving them. I bought

Bowling for Soup: Drunk enough to dance
and
Eamon: I don't want you back

I also borrowed an old Counting Crows cd from Adam, so I have been listening to new stuff as I drive, and also stuff I haven't heard for a while. Man, that Eamon though... man, he's awesome. It's like r&b music, but with rap lyrics. It's pretty cool.

Oh, and Counting Crows... yeah, best band, ever..

So, I think I'm going to go watch some tv and go to bed. I actually updated twice tonight. That should make up for my lack of recent writing.

Peace all, Roam

God, I'm so lazy

2004-07-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

So.. I haven't updated in a couple of days, and I know that I hate it when my friends don't update.. so, here you go.

Life really hasn't been that interesting the past couple of days. Two nights ago, I went out to dinner with Susanne to talk about things, and I guess that went pretty well. I told her we couldn't be together, because I didn't trust her at all, but she said that she was sorry about everything she had done. So, I guess as far as that goes, we both said her piece. I took a lot of the letters she wrote me from camp to dinner, and I think it helped for her to see just how freaking wishy washy she was.

Anyways, I drank way too much Monday night, so I didn't go in until lunch on Tuesday. Let me tell you... it's awkward being really drunk around your family.. but it's even more awkward the next day.

Susanne, Caitlin, and Jeremy all came out that night, and one by one, the left. Poor Caitlin didn't leave until I just crashed, completely asleep. But, what the heck.. it's not that bad.

Yesterday, I didn't do much, just work.. and then after work, I went to the church for a while, left with Joey and Adam to go film, but his battery was so low, and it was way hot.. so we're just going to do it on Saturday. I'm sure I can talk Caitlin and her friend Meghan into going with us. Meg's coming to town from Texas, and that should be fun. I think she's a really cool girl.. well, that and the fact that she laughs at Jeremy and my crazy antics... She's definitely cool for that.

I think Jenn's coming to town this weekend, so I don't know how much I'm gonna see Jeremy, which is totally cool. I know they haven't seen each other for a while, but I do hope that I can do something with the two of them while she's here. Through all this shit with Susanne, I've really come to look at Jennifer as a friend, rather than just that girl that Jeremy's dating. It's not that I didn't like her before, but I had heard some things that made me think she didn't like me. But, now.. things are fine.

Tonight, I'm going to go into Jeremy's, and eat some pizza.. watch a movie or something, and then who knows what. I really need to clean my room sometime soon.. but I'm thinking that one's going to be put off until this weekend. Yeah, definitely thinking that.

Hope everyone's doing well. Peace my friends.

Miss ya' Ash :)

Tough times ahead

2004-07-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

God, grant me serenity, to accept the things that I cannot change.

Courage, to change the things that I can..

And wisdom, to know the difference.

Susanne is probably going to give me the desire to delve into every friggin' Irish proverb that I know.

2004-07-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

Susanne comes home tonight.

Alcohol will be consumed, anger will be swallowed, emotions will run rampant.

Enjoy the night my friends, I'm gonna try to.

Nothing compares... to you

2004-07-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

Ok so... watching "I love the 90's" is probably better than watching "I love the 80's". It's cool, because I actually remember EVERYTHING that they're talking about, where in the 80's.. I only remembered most of it. I've got a freaking Sinead O'Connor song stuck in my head though from that show (hence the subject of my journal)... Alas, it's a good time to be had by all.

So, Dallas was a lot of fun. Yesterday, we woke up late, and just kind of hung out for a while. Ate at IHOP, went to see i, robot.. and then went to Medievil Times. Let me tell you. To plan a fun day.. I'd now have to add all of those things to the list.

The movie was freaking sweet, and I really want to see it again, and M.T. was awesome. It was a lot cooler than I thought it would be, especially with all the swordfights we saw..

Ashley called me after M.T. It was really good hearing from her. I miss my friends in Tahlequah.

After that.. we decided that we wanted to go see a strip club.

I've decided that strip clubs are freaking overpriced. Caitlin, Jeremy, and I all went.. hid my car and walked to the club, so we didn't have to pay 10 dollars to park.. and then it was 20 dollars for us each to get in. That's a freaking rip.

Anyways, today.. we didn't really do much. We went to Chuck E Cheese's for lunch, and then headed out.

I had a really good time in Texas.. but, I learned that Caitlin's little cousin, Brennon, who's 8... is the biggest brat in the world. I was beaten with a stick, beaten with a suitcase, woken up early, and called fat.. all by the same little turd.

Though, being Caitlin's cousin.. I wouldn't expect any less.

.... kidding....

All in all, I honestly couldn't pick two better people to make a car trip with. I'm so freaking proud of Caitlin. She really put up with a lot from me and Jeremy this weekend, and she took it in freaking stride, often times taking it in and giving it back. I honestly think it's going to take about a day to get my mind out of 12 year old mode. I'll probably make some masturbation joke at work, and then all hell will break loose.

____________________

I got a letter from Susanne while I was gone.. and that was interesting. She's a regular preacher now, I see. I just worry for her. I hope she can figure out whatever it is she's looking for. I do hope I can still be cool with her and friends with her.. but as far as a relationship goes.. I really need more stability of character. I know that my life has its flaws.. but I can't go making really drastic changes every time I hear someone's outlook on life.

Anyways, I guess I should get to bed here in a few. I'm gonna go see how Adam's weekend was, and then shove off. It's good to be back, but it was an awesome weekend. Later my friends, peace.

Oh, and for the record.. I have the best, best friend in the world. My birthday present from Jeremy came in this weekend, and he gave it to me tonight. It's an authentic Kung Fu shirt. Oh man, it's really pretty. I want to wear it to work.. though i know how well that would go over. I'm gonna wear it when I play with my sword though I think.. At least once. I really don't want to get it dirty..

I'm sure I'll probably have to make out with Jeremy a lot to make up for this gift.. but man, it was worth it.

... kidding again...

To Dallas...

2004-07-17T02:17:00.000-07:00

So, today.. we left for Dallas.

I woke up around 8, because the stupid phone wouldn't quit ringing. I think everyone thinks it's cool to call before 10 o'clock. That pisses the heck out of me when I actually get the chance to sleep in. I mean, I never get to.. and when I actually get the opportunity.. I never do.

So, I got up and just kind of sat around the house for the better part of the morning. I ended up getting ready and Caitlin came out around 2:30. We sat in Adam's room for a while, while I played BMX XXX, and then we went to get Jeremy.

We had a really fun trip to Texas, but it seemed like it took longer. Susanne called on the way, but she had to go because she was at the hospital or something. Fuck if I know.

When we got to Texas.. we were supposed to go hang out with Lindsey, but I guess her aunt and uncle didn't want us coming by.. So, they ended up just coming and talking in Caitlin's driveway. I really didn't want to be there. I was angry that we actually had plans to go hang out with them tonight for a while (I guess it was Nathan's birthday) but she flaked on us, and then we couldn't stick to our original plans. Lara and Beth came over with Lindsey and Nathan.. And, Lara was drunk, and being a bitch.. and Beth was just being more hateful than normal. Lara and Nathan kept leaving to go smoke, and Lindsey even agreed that he and Lara were being asses.

I don't know. It's just stupid. I'm really glad Caitlin that Caitlin came, just for the fact that she's here.. but it made me laugh that had Caitlin not come, we wouldn't really have had anyone to hang out with tonight. Lindsey's just a lot more flighty than she used to be. I mean, originally.. the trip was planned just to come visit her, Lara, and Beth... and well.. we're not really getting to. They just kind of pissed me off.

Then, even though I was peeved off that htye had been so shitty to hang out with, I invited Lindsey and her boyfriend (I invited him to be polite) to go to a strip club with us. Does Lindsey just say "yes" or "no"? No, she turns around and tells Lara that we didn't want her to go, and then tells Lara to call me. What the fuck man?

Lindsey's more drama than I remember her being, and I don't really care anymore. We probably won't see hyer tomorrow, so what the heck..

Anyways, tomorrow, we're going to Six Flags, then to Mideivel Times, and then we're going to go to a strip club. It should be an awesome day.

I'm tired, so I'm going to go talk to Jeremy and Cait for a little while, and then go to bed. Peace, Roam

We used to be a family

2004-07-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty alright day.

Work crept by.. but only because I'm not working tomorrow. The last day of the week always crawls.

I got off work, and went across the street to the church, for the last night of youth daze. Tonight, we had bands coming in, and that was a pretty good time. We only ended up having 2 bands, because one of the bands cancelled.. but the two that we had were really good. My friend, Jim, the youth director actually has a band made up of some adults and like 3 senior high kids.. and in all actuality, they're really good. Jim is really talented, and tonight.. they only played music that he wrote himself. I was really impressed.

The second band was a band that we had to fork a lot of money up for. They were called "Monday Morning" and they were freaking awesome. The lead singer had an amazing voice, and after they played, Adam bought one of their cd's. He's going to burn it for me.. so I'm sure I'll be listening to them some in the near future.

Anyways, after youth daze ended, I went to Jeremy's. We played Spiderman on the Xbox for a while, and then we went to get him some ice cream. I don't really like frozen stuff, so I didn't get anything.

After that, we went out to Caitlin's to swim. That was an awesome time.

Her sisters were cooking "inventions".. and man, some of them were nasty. They made a dessert quesadilla.. a soupy thing that who knows what was in it (it definitely had chocolate syrup and pickles) and frozen jello.. which was pretty good.

We swam for a while, and then Jeremy and I took off.

I've been pretty happy today. I came home and read all my friends journals, and now.. I'm just sitting here, eating dinner (at 1:30 in the morning) and just kind of chilling.

Tomorrow, we leave for Texas, and I'm stoked about it. It should be a blast. I'll have a lot to type when I get back. I'm sure I'll want to though. It should be freaking awesome.

Anyways, enjoy your weekend all.. Ashley, keep up the courage.. Ben, good luck to you in the remaining days of your summer trip.. and Jeremy, I like it when you stabbed me in the pool..

I'm going to bed. I love you all. Peace, Alex

enlightenment

2004-07-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

Do you think enlightenment is something that comes from a deep, philosophical view of the world? Or is it something that comes from the ability to toss everything up in the air, and not care about a damn thing?

I've been trying to be so insightful, and so deep for so long.. and all it brings me is sorrow, and a bleak outlook on the world.

Maybe I should give the other half a try.

Maybe I should enjoy the pleasures of being ignorant for a while.

Thoughts?

Grubby games...

2004-07-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

Well tonight, we had the grubby games at youth daze.

The grubby games were probably some of the nastiest things I've ever seen.

The first game we played was a race between two teams to cover two people in tomato sauce.

The second game was to make two different people into human pb and j sandwiches.

The third game was a relay where you had to carry a mixture of nacho cheese, chocolate pudding, flour, fruit cocktail, garlic powder, and oil in your hair across a parking lot, in your hair.. one headful at a time.. until you filled up a pan.

and the fourth game was a 2 man applesauce eating challenge.

We were all so nasty by the end, that it wasn't even funny. Well, it was funny... I take that back.

I invited Jeremy, Caitlin, and Ashlyn.. but it was kind of frustrating, because they all got there late, and they all didn't want to do anything. They kind of just stood around, but oh well. I was happy that they came. I just thought that at least Cait and Ashlyn were going to participate, because Cait said she was bringing nasty clothes to wear.

Then, after that, Jeremy and Caitlin came out and watched the new Reno 911. That was a lot of fun, and then we went into the computer room and just kind of hung out.

We looked at www.realdoll.com tonight, and I honestly don't think I've laughed that much for a LONG time. These are sex dolls that cost like 6000 dollars. They're hilarious.. So, Jeremy and I were making up funny scenarios in how you'd take them around during the day with you. Oh man, it was awesome.

Jeremy and Caitlin just left though, so I guess I should get ready for bed here pretty soon. I had a good night in all. I'm just tired of getting home so late.

Peace, Roam

it goes both ways

2004-07-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

You know.. I hate it when girls have a problem with a guy, and their answer is "Guys are assholes!"...

But, I'm in that same boat nowadays..

I think I can fairly say "girls are confusing"...

and not worry about being incorrect on any front.

I don't think anything negative about girls. I just wish I knew what the heck was going on in different peoples heads.

Though, at times, I wish I knew what was going on in my head.

Heck, I don't even know where I'm going with this. Journals are such a freaking tap dance of words anymore that I can barely say anything. I can't name names, and I can't speak freely.

Feelings can be a pain in the ass sometimes though..

I miss Jeremy's jeep Cherokee.. more now than I used to.

My ears perk up at the mention of McDonald's french fries..

Can I say that?

Am I speaking in code?

Um.. well... no...

I need sleep.

Peace, Alex

so... tired...

2004-07-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm literally more tired than I think I've been for a long time. Not so much sleepy though, my body is just worn out.

We've been doing "Youth Daze" at church, and it's been a lot of fun, but I've been leaving my house at 8 in the morning to go to work, and not getting home until like 9:30.. It started Sunday, but it's starting to take its toll on me already. Maybe I'm just a wuss.

So...

Anyways, I really don't have a whole lot to say. I could just talk about what's been going on lately, but that would just take up a lot of space, so I'll just say a little bit, and then I'm gonna go watch tv.

I had a great weekend. Karaoke Sunday night was a blast. Last night, we rented the pool, and that was fun too. Then tonight, we worked on a Habitat for Humanity house. That was hard, but it's good to actually do something meaningful in the midst of all the fun stuff.

I hung out with Cait last night, but not for long. She brought her dog out and we watched he and Sandy play, and then she and I just talked in my room about her trip to Vegas.

I'm taking Friday off for my trip to Texas this weekend. I'm way excited about seeing my friends down there and we're going to Midievel times. I hope it's a fun trip. I'm really glad Cait's going. I'm really glad Jeremy's going too. It should be a blast.

Jeremy seems like he's in a weird mood lately. He's tough to get ahold of after work most times. I mean, once in a while we hang out after work, but not often. I just see him at lunch mostly. I guess he's got stuff going on. I just kind of thought that with Jenn gone and originally my thought involved Suz being gone too.. I thought he and I would be practically inseperable for this summer. Oh well though.

I've been thinking about a lot of things this past couple of days. I finished a job at work today, so I started reading my journals from like the past month or two. I've been dumb and kind of ignorant about a lot of things. I think sometimes I take things way too seriously, and that ends up hurting me.

I'm trying to really watch myself, and think how actions are going to hit me in the long run.. so, hopefully I can keep that up.

Anyways, I'm gonna go watch some Reno 911. Later my friends... later...

Roam

Tonight, and tonight only...

2004-07-11T15:45:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend has been pretty fun. Pretty fun indeed.

Yesterday, I didn't really do anything during the day. I had the house to myself, because everyone else had gone to Lane's wedding. I chose not to go, one because it was 3 hours away, and two.. because I don't even remember the last time I talked to him. He's not really a brother.. he's more like somebody I used to know. Nobody even asked why I wasn't going. It was kind of humorous.
Susanne called a bunch of times. She said that she had made a mistake, and wanted to still be together. I told her I wasn't mad at her, but I really had to be a lot more careful. I told her it would be really easy to hate her, and that I had no idea what I wanted to do. I'm sure I'll talk to her about things in the future, but as far as us getting back together. I honestly don't know. I don't think she's a bad person. I just think she's been so spoiled her entire life that she has no idea how to act when other people's feelings are concerned. She's never had to worry about other peoples emotions.. but dang, you gotta start somewhere.

I went to Tahlequah last night. That was a lot of fun.

I went to Wal-Mart to see if Ashley was working, and she was just getting off as I got there. Cooner was there too, and I told him that some of us were going to be getting together later that night. He gave me his cell number, and then I left with Ashley.

We went to her apartment, and I met her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend. I really liked her roommate, and her boyfriend seemed really nice too.. though, Ashley says she's kind of leary of him. I'm typically pretty open to people, so from what I saw.. he was an ok guy.

Then, we went to get her some food at Arby's. It was nice. I haven't really just sat and talked to Ash that much. After that, we went to see Dodgeball. Man, I freaking love that movie. I think she liked it too. I honestly wanted to see Shrek 2, but it wasn't showing. So, Dodgeball was a completely alright plan B.

After that, Ashley drove me back to my car, and I headed over to Sheryl's. I got there just as she got there (she had been at work). We went in, and I talked to her and Rachael for a little while, and then Cooner came over.

Rachael had cooked spaghetti, so we all ate, and just kind of sat around and talked. Then, we played cards for a little while, and Cooner went home. That was really all we did.. but being there, it was a lot funner than it looks written out. I had an awesome time.

So, this morning, I got up and Rachael was at work. Sheryl and I watched a few episodes of Friends on dvd, and then I headed home. Man, I seriously thought I was going to fall asleep on the drive. I've been running on empty for a little too long now, it's starting to catch up.

Troy called me on the way home to see if I wanted to see Anchorman, and then Jeremy called and asked me to go see it with him. I felt really bad that I couldn't squeeze it in, but Youth Daze is starting tonight, and I have to be there. I also thought that Joey, Danny, and I were going to film today.. But I guess that fell through, because nobody called me about it. Oh well, we've got a lot of time left in the summer..

Tonight, we're doing karaoke at youth daze, and that should be a blast. I need to get a shower, and head over there. All in all, I've had an awesome weekend. I might post in here a small one, if the karaoke is a lot of fun.. but I mostly plan on just going to bed. Hope everyone had an awesome weekend, and I'll talk to you all soon. Peace, Roam

2004-07-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been an interesting night.

I turned on "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

I drank some.

Susanne called, and I talked to her.

It's been an interesting night.

That's honestly all I can say.

I wish I had a friend here in town to talk to about things.

Peace.

a poem

2004-07-09T22:27:00.001-07:00

I've been trying really hard to keep life upbeat and happy.. but once in a while, you have to do something really dramatic (or they might not let me be an art major). I've kind of had a down night, so I'm throwing this in...

Lonliness

With a phone, fully charged, yet silent it remains
my mind is left to wander, only sad thoughts entertained.
while others may be happy, somewhere far away from here,
I'm left here, solitary.. noone close, noone near.
I've reflected, I've remembered, I've tried to see my flaws,
I've pondered as to why I feel so lonely, what's the cause?
I'm sweet, and I am passionate. Putting others before self,
But the others that I favored, have left me rotting on the shelf.
Lovers from the past disturb me, friends from recent life are gone
I'm left here in my misery, wondering why to carry on.

My darling little brother...

2004-07-09T22:27:00.000-07:00

I forgot to post this in... Today, while I was at work, I was on AIM.. and Adam was on. I wanted to see what he had going on tonight, and if he wanted to hang out with me... So I asked him. I've never realized how alike we are...

Here's how our conversation went.. word for word..

Alex: If you could do anything you wanted tonight, what would you do?
Adam: Run through a police station nude.
Alex: I was thinking of something we wouldn't get in trouble for.. how about we get drunk and shoot some cops..
Adam: Nah, that got old.. Let's get drunk and steal sunglasses from blind people.... No regrets...

I love that little asshole.

Friday nights, getting older

2004-07-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

So, my normal friends are out of town, and it's Friday night. I was left with a severely limited range of things to choose from.

On one hand, I could stay home, play videogames with Adam, and then hang out by myself as everyone went to bed early, to get up early tomorrow morning and go to Lane's wedding (to which I'm not going... it's 3 hours away, and Lane doesn't even talk to me anymore)

Or, on the other hand.. I could go to the "college-aged" get together that a couple in the church was having. They're pretty well-known for being boring.

So, I made my choice.

I went to the "party". I made sure to get there a little over half an hour late.. just to make sure I wasn't the only one there. But no.. I was the first person to arrive. Their own freaking college aged daughter wasn't there yet.

So, I sat on the couch and watched baseball with the dad.. because, apparently "Every real man likes baseball.."

...

But, a little while later, their daughter got home. Then, this really pretty blonde got there. I figured things were starting to pick up, when the mom was like "How about we let the boys enjoy their baseball game before we start... Carmen (their daughter), why don't you go get your photos from your France trip.."

I thought I was going to die.

Though, after 2 diet cokes, a half hour of watching baseball and listening to picture descriptions.. we had a couple more people show up, and then we played Trivial Pursuit. In total, there were only 5 college kids there.. but it ended up being more fun than I thought it would be.

So now, I'm home.. the only one up, and I'm just kind of sitting here.

I'll probably have a couple of beers, and go to bed.

Hope you guys have an awesome weekend. Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow.. probably going to Tahlequah to hang out with some friends. Peace.. Roam

So, it's official

2004-07-08T18:37:00.000-07:00

Alright, it's been decided...

Without Jeremy and Caitlin, I'm lost.

Tonight has been kind of a lonely night. Caitlin left today for Vegas, and Jeremy went to Pittsburg to move his belongings to Stillwater.

I, on the other hand, just stayed home, played Xbox, and watched tv with Adam.

I can honestly say that I did nothing tonight.

I thought about cleaning my room, but I know that tomorrow night, they're still going to be gone.. so cleaning will actually give me something to do this weekend.

Tomorrow night, I'm supposed to go to some sort of get-together for the college kids of my church. I might go. I really don't like the particular class that I graduated with, as far as the ones from my church go... But, the family hosting the night is really cool.. and the daughter, who's a year older than me is really awesome.. so, just for something to do, I might go.

Anyways, I'm thinking about going to bed soon (is it sad that it's 8:30?) Tomorrow's just another day at work, and that's about it.

I'm bored. I'm a tad lonely... but oh well, these times pass.

Peace, Roam

It's been a wild ride

2004-07-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

Ah, today..

Today, I shined.

Today, was a really freaking long day. I went to work this morning, where we had the annual "Credit Union Olympics". I had volunteered to be a competitor this morning, which was cool, because I've never minded getting up in front of people and doing stuff.
I was up against two full time workers, and our three events were really funny stuff. Well, one of them was to put a loan file in order, which was pretty tough, since I'd never seen this type of file.. but the other two events were to see who could make the longest paper-clip chain in a minute, and to see who knew their fellow employees the best. It was funny though, that me.. a summer intern.. won the event on how well we knew a coworker. I got everything almost perfect.

Anyways, work was boring after that, but when is it not? I went to lunch with Jeremy at Billie's, watched some Texas Justice, and then went back to work.

After work, I went to the church, to my second job. Man, I love the second job.. but seriously, I got to work at 8 this morning, and I worked until 8:15 tonight. That's a long stinking day.

We basically just played games at church, and that was cool.. So, after youth, one of the kids who goes there was at work (he works at Kiddie Park, a small amusement park for kids) so we went to visit him. Susanne's parents were there with their grandkids, and that was really weird. I don't know if they are aware that Suz and I aren't together anymore.. so I just avoided them.

The group of us that went though had a freaking blast. Joey and Meghan went, and so did Joey's little sister, Amanda. Amanda's been at some military type school for like 6 months now, and just came back like 2 days ago.. so it was cool to see her.

I just really like doing stuff with Joey. I've watched almost all of these kids grow up, so they're really more like family than friends.

Um, after that, Caitlin came out and we just talked in my room for a while, and watched some Reno 911. Good times all around.

I need to get to bed now though, I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Peace to you all, Roam

That dog needs a saddle...

2004-07-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't updated for a day or so... sue me...

Ok, not really, you wouldn't get much. I've just been too lazy to actually get on here and try to convey what's going on in my life... Well, that, and the fact that were I to sit down and start to write, I honestly wouldn't have that much to write.

I went back to work today, since I had yesterday off. It sucked. There was NO work to be done. I worked on a project until about 11, and then I legitimately didn't do any work until 5. I surfed the internet and read a samurai book that whole time. It was nuts!

Um, after work, I came home, and Jeremy came out. We played Spiderman for a little while, and then played with our swords for a bit.. and then we went to Caitlin's.

At Caitlin's, we swam, got into her hot tub, and then basically that was it.

Caitlin's sister, Ashlyn was waiting on her boyfriend to call all night, and that kind of bummed me out. She's too cool to be waiting around by the phone. I wish she would have hung out with us. But oh well, we all have those crappy nights. He just better have a good excuse as to why he left her waiting.. or he'll have a Samurai to answer to.

No, seriously...

But anyways, I'm going to go hang out for a little while, then go to bed.. and that's about it. I'm tired. I've got the Credit Union Olympics tomorrow (I'll write about it tomorrow)... and that's about that.

Peace, love, and... um...

Roam

Ugh

2004-07-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

I'm tired, so this is going to be wicked short. Caitlin came out tonight. We shot fireworks, and then we went inside and watched Mulan. I fell asleep somewhere during the end of the movie, but when I woke up, she was gone.

I freaking hate it when people sneak out to leave. I'm tired of people leaving at the smallest little thing.

Whatever though, I'm just a little miffed. This weekend was just supposed to be so much fun.

Last night ended with Ali getting drunk and pissed off for no apparent reason, and then tonight ended with me falling asleep and Caitlin sneaking out. What the hell man.. That's just no fun.

Anyways, I'm going to bed, there's nothing else to do other than be peeved.. and I don't want to waste my time on it. Later, Alex

Oh alcohol... once again, you ruin the fun

2004-07-03T23:06:00.001-07:00

So, it started out to be a fun night. I met Caitlin and her sister, Ashlyn at Chili's for dinner. We had a really good time, because we have really pretty similar senses of humor. Then, we drove over to Eastland, where a lot of people were watching the Fireworks.

Why there were fireworks tonight, when there are supposed to be some tomorrow night, I don't know... but it was fun.

Ali met us there, and watched them with us.

After that, we decided to all go out to my house to shoot fireworks off. We decided to stop at the gas station to pick up a case of beer.

So, we went to my house and drank a few beers, shot off some fireworks, and had a really good time. I really paced myself tonight though, and actually.. I think I topped off at about 2 and a half beers... But everyone else kept drinking.

It was fun, but as is typical for drinking groups.. people started to get beligerant. Caitlin and Ali started being really weird, and that kind of miffed me... So, I told them that I thought that they should head home (Caitlin hadn't been drinking that much) But Ali followed me into my garage when I went to put the fireworks and beer up.

She thought I was upset, because I was being quiet, and then we kind of got into an argument.

I'm not upset at Ali though. I know that I've had nights where I drank way too much, and said and done things that I really regretted.

It just sucks that alcohol is something that can be so fun, but then be so upsetting.

Ah well, I guess life in general is about learning limits. I really feel like I've learned mine. It's nice being able to drink, but not feel like there's a race.

Anyways, I need to get to bed here in a few, I've got to teach Sunday School in the morning. I guess Jeremy and Jenn are having troubles with Jenn's 'parents'.. and it kind of sucks, because it really reminds me of me and Suz's parental problems (which in turn really reminded me of mom and Larry's parental problems)... I just hope things work out for him. I really wish he could have been here tonight, but I know that he doesn't really like to hang out late, or around alcohol anymore.. so I guess he probably wouldn't have had fun.

Ah well, I'm going to bed, peace.. Roam

When I'm done, you'll all be wearing gold plated diapers...

2004-07-02T23:16:00.001-07:00

Well, a short post before I go to bed.

I didn't really do a whole heck of a lot today. I went to work, got off early, and then came home.

I ate lunch with Jeremy and Jenn today, and that's always pretty fun, but it was like Jenn wasn't really there, because she talked to one girl at the next table for the whole time, and then she left to go talk to someone else. Oh well though, it was cool because I got to talk to Jeremy.

They went to Arkansas for the weekend.

So, tonight, I came home and hung out with Adam for a little while, started watching "Along Came Polly" with the family, and then I went to meet Caitlin at the mall. We went to Hastings and met Ali there, and then we came back to my house to drink a little bit and just hang out.

We watched the best of Will Ferrell, always a good laugh, and then we just kind of laid around, talked, and watched Reno 911.

It was a boring night when you look at it in type, but it was nice.. because I'm so exhausted, I wanted a laid back night.

I hope you all had a great one. I'm really enjoying all the time that I'm getting to spend with Cait and Ali again. How funny is it that my mom's favorite old sitcom is Kate and Ali..

But-ah-anyways... I'm going to go watch Jackass with Adam, and then go to bed I think. Seeing Spiderman 2 again tomorrow with Aunt Lynn and Becky (my cousin), mom, and Adam.. should be fun. Adam wants to swordfight too.. I'm glad, I think I'm getting him hooked on the samurai passion... Muahahahahaha!

Peace, Roam

My spider senses are tingling

2004-07-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

So, we went to see the 10:00 showing of Spiderman 2. It was really good. I'm pretty tired, so I imagine this will be short.

Things the past couple of days have been pretty good, just kind of busy. I'm really not liking my job at the Credit Union, but I think that makes me realize the importance of what I'm doing at college. I don't want to get stuck with a job that I hate for the rest of my life. I couldn't handle that. I'd just have to sell my kids, and retire on that money.

Somewhere in Mexico..

Somewhere I wouldn't be known as "That old rich kid seller"...

However, I digress...

Adam and I went out after I got home, and practiced with the sword and the bo. Then, Jeremy came out, and watched the better part of a movie called "The Seven Samurai" with me.. But that got a little dull, so we turned it off and took turns playing "The Way of the Samurai".. so all in all, it was a Samurific night.

Yes, came up with that one myself.

I've got a lot on my mind, and I can't pretend like I don't.. but I'm really trying to heed my dad's advice and take life easy.

Peace my friends, peace.. Roam

Taking in a breath of familiar air

2004-06-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well, who knows what the hell is going on.

Honestly, that's my best commentary on life lately.

Who the hell knows.

I called dad today, and honestly, I feel like I had the best conversation I've had with him for a long time. Left me with the feeling that I want to call him a whole heck of a lot more.

I know that I've been down lately.

I know that I've been really depressed lately.

But he brought up one point. He told me that I'm at a point in my life that I'm going to look back on and miss.

And honestly, I'm not enjoying this point in my life.

So, I'm going to make it an earnest effort to make this part of my life enjoyable.

Sure, the Susanne thing pisses the hell out of me.

Sure, I fucking hate my job.

But what in the world am I complaining about? I'm 21. I'm not close to dead. I'm not sick. I'm not dying. I'm young.

I'm going to work on being happy. I'm going to date around and be myself. I'm not going to be so friggin' dramatic. Or well, I'm going to try not to be.

Help me guys. Help me be happy. I'll help you do the same.

Peaces, Roam

An end

2004-06-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

I knew that it was over. I knew that it was said and done... but there was always that last little lingering bit that we give to the people that we care about. The little bit of hope, that when we're lonely.. we hope they're going to perk up, and tell us that we're cool.. Everything's going to be alright.

And then the mail comes:

Alex,

Well, where do I start? I just want you to know that I had a great weekend with you! I know that you tell me that when I come home from Kamp I'm a different person. Well, I want to be that different person! I don't want to be with a guy who does not encourage me. I know that you want to do that eventually, but right now you aren't. I don't want to live for the prospect but for the now. Alex there is another girl out there for you that will care for you more than I do & I know that you will care for more than me! Alex, I think that sometimes I care about you more as friend than a boyfriend. Noone in your family and even your best friend don't think that we should be together. After all of these months maybe it's time that we listen. I want to be happy all the time, especially when we're together. I'm sorry to say it but I'm not like that with you. I'm sorry that this has to be through a letter but I know that when I see you I chicken out. If someone tells me what I want to hear then I'm not going to hurt them. That's how it keeps happening with us. I get up the guts to do it but then you tell me what I want to hear and I don't want to end it. I do want you to know that, if you want, I would still like to be your friend. You're a great guy & I know that somewhere there's someone who's just right for you!
In Him,
Susanne

Well, I guess that all things considered, I knew it wasn't going to last or even pick back up. I just hate the fact that some people are like this. I hate the fact that I trust people like this. I hate the fact that I give my heart away so trustingly, when it always backfires.

Mom always tells me though, that loving fully makes the pains unbearable, but the rest of life is so much better because of it, that's it worth it.

I'm going to try and pull the monk card again, and walk away cool. In all actuality, I'm better off. It's just tough sometimes to see through the haze.

Peace, Roam

Well, it all comes into focus

2004-06-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

I got a letter from Susanne today saying that it would be better if we didn't talk anymore.

I knew that things were going to pretty much be over, but it's frustrating to see things play out in a way that I have no control over.

I guess that in a lot of ways, Susanne leaving my life is going to take a lot of stress and pressure off of my chest, but overall, it just sucks when people disregard your time and feelings. I know I'm better off.. but sometimes it hurts to know that someone thinks they can do better than you. Especially when you think you're doing a pretty good job.

Ah well, there's a ton of fish in the sea, I guess.

It's kind of like, for once.. all my own mistakes in the past have come back to haunt me. I know what it's like to have someone tell you that you're not good enough. I know what it's like to have NO control in a relationship.

I need to get over it. I need to move on. Peace, Roam

phew, 21 years and countin'

2004-06-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

So, my twenty first birthday has about one more hour, but I'm going to go ahead and tap out, since I've got work in the morning. I don't really know what to say about my birthday. It was interesting, I can say that. It was probably one of my most unusual birthdays in all actuality.

I woke up, went to lunch with my family for mine and my mom's birthday (hers was Friday) and then I thought I was supposed to hang out with Jeremy.

I called him after I got done eating, but I couldn't get ahold of him. So, I called Caitlin, because I was supposed to hang out with her after Jeremy. I couldn't get ahold of her either, so I decided to go to the mall, to try and spend a little of this new found wealth that has come to me, by way of my birthday.

I think I spent a dollar in the arcade, playing a game that actually only takes one token, instead of three or four like most of the games anymore.. Then, I went home.

Today, I think I did just about the nerdiest thing I've EVER done in my entire life. Ok, so.. you know that I bought the practice samurai sword, but I really don't know what I'm doing with it. So, I was bored today.. and I remembered that I have this game called "Way of the Samurai" for the PS2. So, I hooked it up and got my guy a sword.. Then, I started pressing buttons and drawing diagrams according to what he did. I figured that even though it was nerdy, the people who made the game had to have done a little research, so I thought I'd let their work help me. I ended up with two pages of diagrams and explanations, and well.. even though it's nerdy, I've got a pretty cool workout planned. So, eh... We all have our quirks.

Then, I went into town to hang out with Caitlin for a while, we went to Hastings and looked at sex books. Then, I went to church.

I called Jeremy when I left there, watched some Reno 911 with him, and then came out to the house to watch some Reno 911 with Caitlin. All in all, a pretty good birthday I think. Could have been better, but it could have easily been worse. So, peace.

Roam

Oh, June 27th.. how you amaze me...

2004-06-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting here, alone, beer in front of me, depressed and really bored. I'm 21. I bought my first alcohol tonight, but I couldn't be less excited.

I don't know why I'm making a post, I guess it's because there's nothing better to do.

The sad realization that now I'm back in the real world is still slowly sinking in. I don't want to be here. I want to be back at camp, stealing golf carts.. not thinking about dead grandma's and stupid girlfriends. I want to be back at school, where someone's always up to do something.. so I don't have to just sit here and fucking think about things. That's the worst, just friggin' being alone to think about stuff.

I'm going to quit writing now, because I know people are tired of me bitching about my life (though I don't really care typically when I write in my journal) I guess I'm tired of me bitching. I'm just really, really lonely. I just wish people didn't have to be so fucking stupid and cruel sometimes.

Peace, Roam

Sometimes it hurts more than others

2004-06-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

So, it's Saturday, 3 o'clock. I'm still really tired from camp, but people are coming out to ride four wheelers and horses, so I needed to get up and help just kind of tidy up the house.

I had a really wierd dream last night, that I want to write down before I forget it.

I had gone to visit my friend Stephanie back at NSU, but instead of having a desk attendant to check people into the girls rooms, they just had to write the guy's name down on a list. So, Stephanie, being funny, put "Alex JS" I have no idea why that was funny.. but in the dream, it was.

So, people found out I was in her room, but Alex Stephenson wasn't on the list, so people were going around putting up signs saying

"Alex Stephenson has been sneaking into girls rooms. Make sure you invite in no strangers."

Well that pissed me off, so I went to talk to an RA. They made me go through the sign in sheet to show them where I had been checked in. I showed them, but they didn't believe me. So, to fix whatever wrong I had committed, I had to compete in a challenge.

I had to run through this big warehouse that was filled with tropical plants, armed with a pistol, while some sort of wild mutant cat was running around in it.

I ended up using a grappling hook to make it to the top of the level and escape, barely I might add. I had to shoot the cat.. but I hit it in its friggin belly, which very closely resembled a cow's udder. Weird...

So, once out of the warehouse, I was given a frisbee with a target painted on it, and I was told that I had to run the whole way across this field and neighborhood in the country to some huge water tower. Once I got there, I'd be done with my challenge.

I ran nearly the whole way, but somewhere towards the end, I jumped a fence, and dropped the frisbee. When I turned around to get it, there were these two farmers, walking a cow through their yard, and the cow was chewing on it. I asked if I could have it back, and after pulling in it for a while, they got it away from the cow. The older farmer looks at me and says "It's a shame that you have to take something from a cow who's about to be killed.."

I turn around, and continue my run. I want my name cleared in the girls dorm more than I care about this cow, sadly...

So, I get to the water tower, and all these people come out of nowhere, dressed up really nice. They tell me they're part of my team, but what they did.. I have no idea.

Then we're all taken to this really fancy restaraunt. While we're waiting to be served our victory meal, we're told that instead of winning the challenge, we've only made it to the finals.

Where NSU and the girls dorm went in all of this, I have no clue.

So, we're all getting ready to eat, talking about the finals, when out of the corner of my eye, I see Christopher Walken. I walk up to him and start talking about the finals, and he tells me that my promise to go to the finals is just about as trustworthy as the one time that three hundred and twenty three squirrels told him they would give him a Sega Gamegear.

I woke up shortly after that, because my phone was ringing. So, wow... I want to make a movie.

Anyways, my phone was ringing, back in the real world, so I answered it. It was Molly. I had called her last night to see why she had left me her number, and she told me that she hadn't. She told me she would have no reason to, and went on to say that she was really mad at me for trying to talk to her mom about her mom telling Caitlin's mom stuff about me. And also, that I owed her and her mom an apology. I told her I'd catch her some other time and hung up on her.. so.. what a friggin' morning.

I'm about to go take a shower I think, I just really wanted to write the dream down before I forgot it. What in the world, eh?

Peace, Roam

Oh, the randomness of it all...

2004-06-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

One short post before I go to bed. I went out to Relay tonight, to see Caitlin, and I thought to hang out with Jeremy (he ended up being delayed at a dinner though). But, tonight, I've been in a really strange mood.

Maybe it's my lack of sleep, and maybe it's the fact that while I was away at camp, I didn't have to deal with any of the downers that awaited me at home.. but for some reason, I've been really depressed and really insightful tonight. I've also been really emotional, and that's kind of nice.. It happens rarely, so it feels good sometimes to just be sad, you get it out of your system.

I took the back roads tonight though, to get to Dewey to go to Relay.. But, on the way, I saw this cowboy, maybe 40 years old, standing beside his horse, looking at one of those roadside cross and flower jobs. The kind they put up when someone dies on the road.. He was just standing there, holding his horse, and as I got closer, I saw that he was crying. That made me really sad. I guess it just hit me that I was driving to a rally to fight cancer, when Grandma Wilma died from cancer less than a week ago. I'm never going to see her again.. I mean, she was always just so happy and so alive.. but I never even got to tell her goodbye. I saw her in the hospital before she started chemo, and not again until she was laying in her bed, dead... It just depresses me to think that there's not going to be a take-back on that.

I guess death is just one of those things you can't beat yourself up over, because simply.. you're not going to fix anything by being sad.. it was just tough going to the rally tonight, listening to people talk about family they had lost, lighting lights for everyone who was supposed to be remembered.. and all the while, thinking about Wilma.. Adam's friend Joseph was right beside me though, so I tried as hard as I could to make it through everything smiling. The bastards running the show had to turn on "Candle in the Wind" at the end of the illuminary dedications though, and so help me God, I got teary eyed. Ugh, that just sucks.

Anyways.. not much to say about that.

Caitlin walked me to my car as I was going to leave though. Funny thing is, when I left my car in the parking lot, I locked the car, windows rolled up, and the only thing on the passenger seat was a cd case that I had been listening to. When Caitlin started to get in, so I could drive her back to the gate, there was a little piece of paper laying on the cd case. It said "Molly" and had a phone number.

Now, I know that I've cleaned my car countless times between Molly and my breakup, and tonight.. so the paper WAS NOT in the car. The windows were definitely rolled up, and the doors were definitely locked. So, how she got it in there, is completely beyond me. I know she was there though, because her mom is always a key speaker. Strange.. I mean, she's married and pregnant.. I don't think she would just want to hang out or something. Oh well, I'm sure it'll all be explained at a later date.

You know, I really do kind of miss camp.. I'm happy to be home, but it hits me that right about now, I'd be sneaking out of the cabin, trying not to wake anyone up, so I could go steal something or do something that wouldn't be funny until tomorrow. Here, I'm alone, writing in my journal, drinking a can of beer... Pretty lonely tonight, but in my present state of mind, I'm sure it's better this way.

Ah well, peace my friends. Roam

Camp, completed

2004-06-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

Well, all.. I'm back from camp. Back from probably the third church camp I've ever gone to in my entire life, and I have to say.. being a counselor beats the heck out of being a camper. Beats the serious heck out of it.

I had a really great time now that I can look back on it. I know that my spiritual life is eternally suffering, but I really feel like I pulled it together to be a good leader for these kids, since they're at such a transitional age. I feel like I kept a really fine balance between being a strong leader, and being one of the funnest counselors.. ever.

I have a ton of stories that my hands are just too tired to write, so I'm just going to make a short list of the things that I did this week (non-God related) and then maybe later, I can discuss them in detail. Let's just say that I worked my butt off to become a camp legend. I think, I got pretty close.

My list of the top ten things that I did for fun at camp:

10. Barracaded the dean in her cabin with benches stacked up, so she couldn't get out in the morning.

9. Stole a walkie-talkie and imitated not only the co-dean, but an actual camp worker, getting people to run all over the place.

8. Snuck into the dean's cabin and draped chewed up tootsie rolls (having an uncanny resemblance to human feces)all over her toilet seat.

7. Offered to take the benches away from the dean's door, then using that time to sneak into her room and place them all standing up in her bathroom.

6. Payed a camper to eat a cockroach.

5. Stole every piece of decoration from every cabin but mine, and used them in my cabin to enter the "best decoration" contest.

4. Formed a line of people at 2 in the morning to stand outside the cabin of a counselor that we didn't like, to pop balloons.. so she'd have to settle her kids back down after we woke them up.

3. Re-stole every piece of decoration from a girls cabin after they had been returned, and hung them outside another cabin, thus framing the occupants.

2. Went offroading in my mom's minivan, nearly crashing in front of a ton of kids.

And my personal favorite that I've already mentioned in a previous post....

1. Hijacked the co-dean's golf cart at 1 in the morning, using nothing but a pocket knife to start it.. drove it around in the dark for nearly a half hour, parked it back where we found it.. and scattered like cockroaches.

Ah, it was a great week overall. I really enjoyed myself.

I got to go see my friend Ashley the other day when I got back to Tahlequah, and that was a lot of fun. I hadn't seen her for quite a while, and I guess I just missed her at Wal-Mart when I first got to camp, so it was nice to actually see her. I also got to see Cooner, which was cool, since I'm going to be living with him next semester, and my mom had met every one of my roommates but him. Oh, Cooner... you devil...

Tonight, I'm going out to Relay to hopefully hang out with Caitlin and Jeremy, and then tomorrow, Joey, whoever else wants to, and I are going to hang out with a guy who came home with Kathy from the camp. He works there, lives in Fort Worth, and never gets to leave camp, because he has no friends in the area.. So Kathy took him home for the weekend. I don't know what we're going to do, but I'm sure it'll be fun. Real fun.

Um, I really don't have a whole lot to say other than that. It's mom's birthday, which means that in 2 days, I'll be the big 21. Oh yeah, that's right. Though, how much does it suck to turn 21 on a Sunday. I'm thinking that at midnight tomorrow night, I'm going to go buy some alcohol, just so I can actually drink a little on my 21st birthday. Not having to go to work the next day.

I hope you all had a freaking awesome week. It's been an experience for me. I really think that I've learned quite a few things. And, while my spiritual beliefs may not be at the highest they've ever been, I'm happy that I can go to church camp, be a leader, and at least listen to everyone and everything with an open mind. I'd like to get my faith back to where it was. It's just going to be an uphill battle. I want to do it my way, not anyone else's.

One other really funny thing though, I was talking (and maybe bitching a little bit) about how Susanne's camp is more or less a summer brainwashing adventure, and I was telling her about the stuff that Susanne's told me since she's been there, and Lauren, my friend, was like.. "Wow, that really sounds like Kanakuk." The camp that Susanne is actually at. I guess it's just notorious for taking in kids, filling their heads with this shit that everyone outside of camp is evil, and then sending them home to spread the 'good word'. It's really frustrating, but I guess everyone needs their sanctuary. Whatever works, you know?

I think this entry is long enough though, I just really feel like I've had a lot to say over the course of this week. I've missed Jeremy and Caitlin a ton, but I'd do it again in a heart beat. I really feel like I kind of need to realig my life in a little way. Not so much for the fact that I've been at church camp, but for the fact that I just spent a whole week with sixth graders. Sure, they have drama and shit in their lives.. but they don't take things nearly as serious as I do. I've really been pretty stressed, and wickedly depressed for the past couple months, and while I don't think that's going to just fade away after a week of being away from home.. I think I'm starting to realize that there's no call for me to be so dang serious about everything. I need to just keep smiling, and keep myself in a good mood. I need to stop worrying so much, because I seriously think at the rate that I've been travelling, I'm going to have an ulcer, somewhere in my early twenties.

I'm tired of typing now I think, I'm sure that if you read this, I'll be talking to you soon. I love you all, keep it real.

Peace, Roam

camp, interrupted

2004-06-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I've come home for the day to go to Wilma's funeral. That's pretty sobering, in the middle of a week filled with kids, and acting like one myself. I don't really want to talk about the funeral though, so I'll put a little bit about camp in here, and then I've got to run.
Camp is going freaking amazing. I officially think I'm the best bad counselor ever. I say that, because I actually get along great with the kids. I get the lessons done, and I keep order among the groups.. but at night, and when the other adults aren't looking... I'm a totally different person.
Last night, Joey, another counselor from my church and I paid a kid a dollar each to eat a roach. We've snuck out countless times, and now every decoration from every girls dorm is in our cabin... We snuck into the actual dean's room and put fake poop all over her toilet seat.

But last night... took the cake.

We were supposed to go watch a movie with some other counselors, but we couldn't find where they were watching them. So, to preface the story, only the deans and the people who actually work for the camp drive these golf carts around. So instead of going to watch the movie, we (Lauren, Joey, myself, and a random guy named Kyle) decided that using Kyle's pocket knife to hotwire the golf cart would be a lot better. Golf carts don't have lights, so we just cruised around in the dark for about a half hour, until we had all gotten a chance to drive it. Oh man, it was classic.

Um, there really hasn't been that much going on. It's been a lot of fun, but I miss people from back home. I miss everything from back home except work actually. I really don't miss work. I really, really don't miss work.

But oh well.

Alright, I just wanted to put a small post in here to kind of recap what's been going on. I didn't think church camp would be this much fun.. but now that I'm not a camper, I see that I have the power to actually make it enjoyable.

I've got to run now though, the funeral is today... so eh.. yeah.. Gotta go.

Keep on keepin on my friends. Peace, Roam

One wedding and a funeral

2004-06-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s been an interesting weekend. A really interesting weekend actually.

Friday, I got off of work early. I actually went home at 3:30, which was awesome. I went home, changed, and watched cartoons.

Susanne came into town Friday too.

She came out to my house, and we talked for a while about things that had happened since she had been gone. We talked about how I hated the fact that she was gone for so long, and how I felt like it had been a bad thing for a girlfriend to do to leave for two months out of the three that I was home. I think for once, she actually saw things from my point of view. I hope so at least.

So Friday night, Jeremy invited us to go see Dodgeball with him and Jenn, and then Caitlin text messaged me and invited me to the same movie.. so it ended up that we all went and saw Dodgeball. Bartlesville’s new theaters suck so much though that we couldn’t all sit together. While we were waiting for the movie to start, the manager came in, on his cell phone and was talking about how he had oversold the movie. I guess before they “renovated” everything, it held 245, and now it holds 97. That’s some horrible, HORRIBLE planning. There were kids sitting on the floor, one kid was laying on the ramp down to the front. It was just ridiculous. I would have definitely asked for my money back, had I not gotten a seat. It really stunk that we all had to sit apart from one another though.

So, Saturday, I didn’t really do a whole heck of a lot. Saturday was the day of the wedding that I was supposed to go to with Susanne, so after she got her hair and nails done, we went there. We got there early though, so I decided to go to Billie’s to kill some time. Well, I got to Billie’s, and she told me that grandma Wilma had been taken to the emergency room, so I called mom, but grandma was already dead by the time I got ahold of her. I went to see everyone, but by the time I got there, everyone was heading out, so there wasn’t anything for me to do, so I went back to the wedding.

I know that sounds like I don’t care about her. It’s just that I think when she passed away, we were all really relieved. She had quit talking, quit eating, and just wasn’t grandma anymore. When she died, she went in her sleep, completely peacefully. It couldn’t have been a better way to die.

So, when I got to the wedding, I was pretty bummed. I mean, I wanted to go to the wedding, since it was such a big deal to Susanne, but I really didn’t want to be there. I wanted to just go do something fun to get my mind off things.. Well, walking into the chapel, I see Troy. Troy’s sister I guess was a bridesmaid, so he was there. That made everything alright.

The wedding went really fast, and then we went to the reception. (I called mom to see if anyone needed anything, but she told me everyone had gone their separate ways, and that there was really nothing I could do) So, at the reception, we had a pretty good time. I just mainly talked to Suz and Troy. I wanted to leave early, but Susanne’s mom got mad and told her that she couldn’t leave. Man, that’s one thing that I don’t miss while Susanne’s gone. Her parents.

I guess her dad’s ok, and he can be a dick sometimes, but for the most part, he’s pretty cool.. But her mom.. holy shit. Her mom is probably one of the biggest bitches I’ve ever met… Wait, take out the probably. I can say that since Susanne won’t be reading this.

Anyways, so I left Susanne at the reception and went with Troy. We just hung out until Susanne called and asked us to pick her up. Though, on the way to pick her up, we got pulled over by a cop. Luckily for us, it was a young lady cop.. and well, with Troy and me both talking, I honestly think we could get our way out of anything. We joked with her, and he didn’t even get a warning.
So, we went to get Suz, and then Troy and Susanne, Troy’s friends, and I all went over to Woodland, where Troy showed me how to make a home made bomb. Not really a bomb I guess, more like a huge homemade firecracker. It didn’t blow anything up, it was just wicked loud.

You take an empty two liter bottle, and fill the bottom with little balls of tin foil. You pour in some “The works” toilet bowl cleaner. You shake the two up with the cap on. Place bottle on the ground ( or in our case, in a drain under a road) and run. Within a minute or two, you get a HUGE bang. It’s really cool.

So, Susanne and I went to my house and watched Radio, and then she went home. Then, I went to bed.

Today, Sunday, we’re getting ready to go to camp. My dad called last night, so I need to call him today.. and I need to run a card over by grandpa’s.

I’m ready to go to camp. I hope you all have a great week while I’m gone. And, well.. I’ll see you soon. Peace, Roam.

Eh, it's probably just an ulcer

2004-06-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

So today.. well.. it was a Thursday. I can say that. But what else has it been? Let's see...

I got up this morning, normal time.. but I had an appointment at the dermatologist to see about this stupid wart on my thumb. I'd never had one, so I'd never had one taken off. Everyone tells me that they're supposed to be frozen off, but no.. My dermatologist goes Rambo-style and lops it off with a razor. Holy cow, it stung. Then, he puts this medicine on it, and puts friggin' scotch tape over it. He tells me to leave the tape on there for six hours, take it off.. wash the medicine off, and then I'm done. He says that there be slight may be a small blister, but don't worry about it.
So, five hours in, it's hurting worse than anything I've ever felt. Six hours in, I take the tape off.. and it's HUGE. There is a blister on my thumb that could choke a donkey. Seriously, I'd try to choke a donkey with it if it didn't hurt to touch EVERYTHING... But oh well.. hopefully it will go down soon. I want it gone before camp.

Then, after work, I got together with Adam, Danny and Joey from church, Ali, and Caitlin. We started a new film for the church, and I think it's going to be really good. It's a new installment of an old character that we used to do called "Church Security". I think it's going to be funny. We have a nice camera to film it with, so that's cool. We're doing wide screen shots.. black and white shots.. old movie shots.. it's going to be great.

Anyways, I'm going to go to bed. Susanne's coming tomorrow, and I have to talk to her to see what's going on in her life. I'm really nervous about seeing her. Eh.. it'll be cool. Peace, Roam

Wednesday equals pain

2004-06-16T19:19:00.000-07:00

So, I got off work at 8:30 tonight. That's a long day when you start at 8:30 and get off at 8:30. That's two different jobs, but still. I feel wrecked.
Today was also the day where I go to marketing until 12:30, go to lunch, and then go to mortgage when I come back. So, all in all, it was 12 hours, but three jobs. Egh.. that's a lot more than I'm used to.
Anyways.. today wasn't that interesting. I was up in marketing for the morning. Got my first papercut. One papercut after folding and stuffing like 5500 envelopes.. I'm not that upset. But, oh believe me.. this one made up for the rest. It bled, and it stung like a mother. Ah well though, it's a battle scar (in the world of the nerd)...
After work, I went across the street to the church. Jim (the youth pastor) is at church camp, so I'm still running youth alone. Tonight was supposed to be movie night, and we were supposed to vote on movies that people brought.. Well, we ended up not being able to watch the movie we picked, and we had to watch Finding Nemo.
There's this girl, Hannah, though who comes sometimes.. and she brought some friends with her tonight. Though, her friends were the cool, goth kids. Their names were Zeke (girl) Havoc (girl) and God (boy).. I told "God" that I couldn't call him that, with there being other kids and parents there, so he became "G". I felt like Will Smith on Fresh Prince..

So, when we found out we had to watch Finding Nemo, Zeke says "I'm not allowed to watch that". So they all left. One of the mothers freaked out, and I had to make sure that they had a ride. She was really upset though, so I had to take care of that shit.

Ah well...

Anyways, Caitlin's on the way out here, so I'm gonna go hang with her and Adam, and watch the new Reno 911. Wish I could have hung out with Jeremy tonight, but oh well.. There's always tomorrow.

Peace all, Roam

One more thing

2004-06-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

HOLY COW...

Last night, I forgot to put this in..

So, I'm heading to the kitchen, Larry and Adam are heading outside to do the chores.. and I guess Adam bent down while Larry opened the door. Well, Larry banged Adam on the head pretty good I guess, and immediately, Adam says:

"Fuck.. you asshole"

Now, I know how I talked when I was his age.. so, the f word didn't shock me, but holy shit.. he called his dad an asshole.

I mean, we all slip when we get hurt.. but I about passed out..

So, mom and I stand there, practically biting our fists, while Adam goes on outside and Larry just stands there... way, WAY calmer than I would have expected.

Then Larry goes outside, so Mom and I almost run after. Adam's coming out of the garage, and Larry says

"I think I need an apology"

Ok, that's fair I think.. So, I'm just guessing that Adam's going to cover his ass, apologize, and move on... But, instead, his dumb 14 year old proud ass says:

"Well, I guess that means we feel differently then... doesn't it?"

I about pooped myself.

So, Adam goes on to feed the dogs, and Larry comes to sit down and talk to me and mom on the porch. We talk to him, and surprisingly, he's not mad.. He's more hurt than anything.. it was wild.

Adam comes back, and we tell him to sit down. Larry apologizes for hitting him with the door, and then tells him to apologize too. Adam starts to argue, but I elbowed him, and he did so.. grudgingly. Mom and Larry went inside, and I stayed outside to give my usual "I know how you feel.. but dammit, you can't do that" speech to Adam.

It was just wild.. More excitement than I'm used to seeing, around the home. Peace, Roam

Just a wasted day

2004-06-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot happened today to be truthful. I went to work, LeeAnn was sick, so out all day.. Heather left at lunch to take her kid to the doctor.. so that left the one other guy (who I can totally slack off around) and my boss.. who had meetings all afternoon. I did so little today. It was brilliant.
I came home after work and Jeremy came out. We rode bikes, and then watched tv for a while, but then he left. He wanted to go to bed early tonight. Maybe one of these evenings, I can talk him into not rushing off.
Caitlin was supposed to call me tonight, but last I heard, she was going to see her grandpa.. and if I could be blown off for anything, I'd rather it be that. I think she should spend every second she can with him, especially since my grandma is in such piss poor shape now, that I wish she would have a good day, so we could all see her.
I guess she's not even talking right now, just head nods. She can't feed herself.. or take herself to the bathroom. It's really tough.

Talked to Ben for a while tonight. He called during the middle of my sword practice. Man, that shit wears you down. The sword is just hard to control, and doing so, takes a lot of concentration and hard work. May not make sense, but I mean.. well.. I get it.

Anyways, I think I'm going to go play PS2 with Adam. I want to write a little tonight, clean my room a little, and that's about it. Kind of a lonely night, but eh.. I guess I deserve it. ( I don't know why.. it just sounded right).. This weekend approaches ever faster, and I get more nervous by the second... At least Jeremy's girlfriend Jenn is talking to me about it. It's nice to have someone who knows the situation to talk to. I'm glad Jeremy's got a cool girlfriend. I'm happy for them.

I'm going to go. Peace. Roam

I hate Mondays.. ( insert poster with sad kitten picture)

2004-06-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

Ok so.. Today was the Monday to end all Mondays.

Alright, so I got in on time, at 8:30 today.. but I realized when I got inside the building, that I had forgot my security badge. I can't get into my department until 9 without the badge, so I used my cell phone to call someone from my department. Well, after a couple of rings, I realized that my department had a meeting at 8:30 this morning that I was supposed to go to whenever I got to work, so I started calling people from other departments, but nobody was in their office. I finally got ahold of someone, and got in at 8:50 or so, and got let in. I went to the meeting room, but it was locked, and I could hear a guy's voice that I didn't recognize, so I figured that my department was having their
meeting somewhere else, and another department was using the typical room.

So, I went back to my office.

There were all these letters waiting to be folded and stuffed into envelopes, so I decided that I'd work on them. I had set the folding machine last week to fold pieces of paper on half, to fit in these big envelopes that we have, so I forgot to make sure it was still set to fold on the half mark. Well, I ran about 200 though, and when I looked to make sure that they had all gone through on "letter" fold. With three folds.

I had to take them all out, and fold them by hand. That's 200 folds. I did it quickly though, because there was nobody else in the office, and it wasn't all that bad.

So then, around 9:40, everyone gets back. I go downstairs to get a box of the big envelopes that I need, and there are none. So, I go back upstairs to ask where they are, and a lady from my office is like

"Oh, we're using the smaller envelopes, and we're using 'letter fold'".

So, I go back through the letters that I've already manually folded, and put them back into three folds. That's the same 200, re-folded. 400 folds.

So, I get everything put into three folds, and go ask about the smaller envelopes. Well, the guy who's supposed to print the names on the envelopes is out for physical therapy, so I've got the letters just sitting here. There are about 500, just waiting on me.

But...

Soon after I find out that the guy who's supposed to print the
envelopes is gone, another lady from my department is like "So, you kept them in order, didn't you?" and I realize that I didn't even think about keeping them in order. They were just supposed to be folded, I thought.. because everything that I've folded and stuffed... all 4800 that I've already folded and stuffed... didn't have to be in any order, so I didn't even think to keep these in line. So, now I've got to wait on the envelopes, put all 1000 envelopes and letters in matched up order, and then stuff them. Joy.

So in the middle of all of this, I decide to be a polite intern and go apologize for not being in the meeting. My boss was like

"So, why weren't you there?"

and I told her.

I told her that I had been locked out for a while, and she was like

"Why didn't you just knock?"

and I told her that I didn't think of it.

So, she says

"Ok, so now you're in... why didn't you go to the meeting?"

So I tell her that I tried, and the door was locked, and I heard a voice I didn't recognize, and I thought it was someone else's meeting. She says

"Well, you should have knocked. You're expected to be there."

I wanted to be like, "What, so I can just tell you that I've been
folding and stuffing?" but I didn't say anything.

She went on for a while about how I'm supposed to be at the meetings every week, and how I should knock if I'm not sure, and how I'm expected to be responsible.. I mean, fuck.. I went in there to apologize, just fucking let me do it, and for Christ's sake.. if I've done something wrong, just tell me once. Don't go on and on after I mess up once about responsibility.

So, I left, feeling about as small as I've ever felt before. Definitely earned my $6.75 an hour this morning.

Then, within half an hour, my boss comes in and looks at all the papers that I've folded. She pulls one out, and is like:

"The color on these is messed up.. let's just run the whole print job again."

Fuck me.

I think I'm ready for a new job. This blows.

Anyways.. Jeremy came out after work, and that was fun. We watched Viva la Bam and Wild Boys.. rode our bikes, and then played The Getaway for a little while. Then, Jeremy left, and I'm waiting on Caitlin to get here. That's cool that she's coming out. I wanted to hang out with her last weekend, but we both had people around, so we couldn't.

Susanne is coming back this weekend, so that should be interesting. I don't know what I need to say to her, but I just feel like I need to tell her things. I just have a lot of shit that I need to get off my chest. I'm past the point of caring (ok, total bluff) but I'm going to give it to her straight.

I need to stand up for myself and tell people who hurt me that they actually did hurt me.

At least, that's what I think...

I started listening to Dad's "The Power of Now" cd last night, and it's pretty cool. The guy loses me occasionally, but I think he makes some pretty valid points. I think this is definitely going to be a 2 or 3 time listener cd. I need it just to make sure I catch everything. He's got a funny voice (He sounds just like the Macintosh voice.. The one where you type and it speaks).. so it's tough to follow sometimes.

Anyways, I'm going to go wait for Caitlin, and then who knows what. Peace all, Roam

2004-06-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

This is the picture that I drew for the guy at work.

Keep this in mind though...

2004-06-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most.

That people are basically good.

That honour, courage and virtue mean everything

That power and money ...

money and power...

mean nothing.

That good always triumphs over evil.

And I want you to remember this....

That love....

true love never dies.

Remember that... remember that.

Doesn't matter if it is true or not,

a man should believe in those things

because those are the things worth believing in......

got that ?

Eh.. yeah.. let's paint the car like the sky...

2004-06-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

I'm really kind of in a crappy mood tonight. I'm tired of having house guests. Well, I'm tired of having one of them.
My uncle spent last night, and is spending tonight in at our grandpa's, the one whose wife is in the nursing home now.. so all we have around here is my mom's mom... But, I really don't like her. I'm so ready for her to go home. She just comes in, and tells me what to do and stuff, and it's really crappy, because she's really lazy. I just wanna avoid the front room when she's here.
Also, it's freakin' Sunday night, Adult Swim night and Sunday Stew night on tv.. but no, our tv has been taken over. (We live out in the country, so no cable.. just the sattelite in the front room)... Eh, what a shitty thing to bitch about.. I'll move on.

I need to get out of this funk that I'm in. I've been really lonely lately. It really makes me wonder about things, the way I feel right now.

Let me explain..

I was raised very affectionately, hugs, kisses, everyone was very touchy, so I just got used to it.. I like that, because it really makes you feel loved. But, when I'm not around people, I feel freaking starved for affection. I don't mean sex or fooling around, I just feel like I need to be touched. I hate that feeling. When you want something, but there's no way to get it. I know I like to keep my journals light, but I guess in all actuality, a journal is a written down memory.. and this is what I'm feeling right now.
Ashley in Tahlequah promised me a hug, and I'm totally going to take her up on that. Yeah, I need a hug right now.

Moving on.. um.. I led church tonight, with the youth director at church camp. It was just me, in charge of everything.

I liked it a lot. I mean, the kids know me, so I don't have to be an ass to make them listen.. They know that I know what it's like to go to youth and be bored, so I try to keep it entertaining for them. The good thing is, Sunday night is mainly for just hanging out, so I just planned some games.

We played Chubby Bunny, Clumps, and Clothes Pin War.. All relatively easy games, but way fun if you have a cool group. There were a couple of parents there, just for crowd control, but they stayed quiet and let me do my thing. It was great. I kind of remember why I wanted to be a youth minister when I grew up when I was still in highschool. There's just something addictive about hanging out with kids, kind of makes you remember what it's like to not care about shit. They like you more if you let go and act stupid. You don't have to worry about looking intelligent or attractive. You don't have to worry about people judging you.. They're freaking teenagers, they either like you, or they don't.. It's all upfront.

Oh man, when I got there, they have this game, DDR Extreme. It's some dancing arcade game. Well, there was a line waiting to play it, and I ran up and started dancing. I had to dance funny though, because I had sandals on.. So, this really snobby little freshman girl was like:

"You look like a horse when you dance.."

and I was like:

"Well, my feet may make me look like a horse, but your body makes you look like one.."

Eh, these darn kids...

I don't know if Caitlin's coming out here or not after work, but I think I'm going to go chill with Adam for a while. We beat the Getaway today, and it was awesome. Definitely one of the better games I've played lately. I love playing games with him. We almost always instantly figure out what we're both good at, and then trade the controller back and forth accordingly.. it's fun to have someone who isn't a play-hog..

Oh yeah, one more thing. I'm officially an idiot. Someone at work last week told me that today was going to be Father's day.. Well, instead of checking, like a normal person.. I just waited, and called my dad. I was like "Happy Father's Day!" and he asked me what I was talking about. Kind of felt stupid then, so I just wished him a Happy Sunday, and let him be on his way. He'll be hearing from me next week though.. Yes, yes he will...

Um, I'm out. Peace be with you all. Roam

If that dog jumps on me.. so help me God...

2004-06-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

So, today was a little slow. I didn't really do anything too exciting. I woke up around 11:30, snuck into Adam's room to play the PS2 while trying not to wake him up, and that didn't work very well.
The two of us played The Getaway for a while, and then eventually, we decided that we were going to go into town. We went to Time Warp (a comic shop that sells used games and movies), Hobby Lobby (to get a couple of new markers that I had used up their colors) and then to Billie's Adam and I skated there for a couple of hours, well.. the whole time basically, Adam sat on his skateboard and watched me try to Ollie. For the layperson, an Ollie is just a jump, but it's way tough to do. You have to do it just right, or the board won't stay with you, and you'll just jump off. I've been practicing in the grass for a long time now, but today I moved onto the pavement. It's a whole new ballgame, simply because before, my board didn't roll when I stood on it.. Now, it goes every which way.
Though, in like two and a half hours of jumps, I only fell twice, and didn't bleed at all. I just kind of rounded off my tail bone a little more I think. But, I don't plan on needing a tail anywhere down the road.. so I'll be ok. My ass is just a little tender right now. Can't say that too much though, I'll get some funny looks I imagine..
Anyways, after that, I showered. I was SO sweaty! Then we went to the mall. I bought some new clothes that I was in pretty dire need of. I've been wearing two pairs of shorts for the longest time now, and I really needed some new t-shirts. I think I have like 4 shirts that I rotate. Well, not counting my dress up shirts for work. I can't wait to get out of those when I get home though, so I wanted something new.
So, we came home after that, and played PS2 for a little while, and then Larry came in and asked if Adam and I wanted to ride up to Copan (like 30 minutes away) with him to see his parents. We didn't want to go at all, but he goes by himself all the time, so we rode along. It wasn't that bad, just kind of boring. His dad's in pretty bad shape right now, and I think Larry's pretty sure he's not going to be around much longer. It sucks too, because he's not that old at all.. he's just a heavy drinker, and his liver is all but shot.
We got icecream on the way home, which was a plus.. and now, I'm back, updating before Grandma Dee has to go to bed in this room.

Caitlin's got people in town, and Jeremy's in Arkansas, so I'm just hanging around the house tonight. I need to meet more people here in town. It's just tough though, because I'm always at work.. and everyone I work with is older, married, or even widowed.. Not a huge bank of friend material there.

How weird is it that I used to hate going to college because I didn't have many friends, and now I nearly hate coming home because I have very friends here. I met so many people in Tahlequah over the last year that it just seems like everyone knows me better there. Though, it is GREAT being back with Jeremy and my family, and now Caitlin.. but it's nights that everyone is doing something else that make me miss the dorms, and the closeness and ability to always find someone that college holds.

I've been talking to Ashley from Tally lately, and it's really interesting. I have the feeling that she's someone I'll be hanging out with a bit when I get back to school. That's awesome.

I think I'm going to go draw. I've got new toy syndrome, now having markers that I haven't had for a while. Sounds kind of nerdy, but what the heck.. ah well. Peace out, Roam

I'm thinking... it's gonna be a long one...

2004-06-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

So yeah, my mom's mom and brother came into town last night to stay here, and that's been interesting so far. My mom's mom is really different for a grandma. She's had a really wild life, so she's pretty used up (sounds horrible I know).. and my mom's brother.. well, I just can't put him into words... But I'm gonna try.

After everyone else went to bed last night, Adam and I sat in the front room, talking to Jay (mom's brother). I hadn't seen him since mom's dad died back when I was 14, so I thought that I probably had some catching up to do. He was telling me how he works out with this guy who's been a blackbelt for 20 years. I thought that was pretty cool.

Well, since I last saw him, Jay and my aunt had gotten a divorce, so I was asking him about his life. He was like:

"Yeah, after Debbie, I dated my old highschool girlfriend. She was beautiful, and the sex was great.. but she just couldn't settle down. So, there's all these illegal Mexican women where I work who were like 'How much you charge to marry me?'.. I mean, one offered me $5000 just to marry her. But man, these Latino women are fiery.. Hell, I mean at one point, this guy at work was like 'Jay, is there one of these Mexican chicks you ain't slept with? Well, I fell in love with one of 'em.. so I married her. She's got kids, but it's cool. I guess them Mexican guys make the women wait on 'em hand and foot.. So when I try to help around the house, she gets mad. Pretty sweet deal."

So I asked him what her name was:

"Um, it's Estehr.. or Ester.. or Easter.. I really don't know how you say it."

He's married to this woman, and doesn't know how to say her name. So, I asked him how many kids she had:

"Well, there's a housefull of 'em.. but I don't know their names or how many there are.. They don't speak English. Yeah, they live with me though."

Wow.

Then he's like:

"Oh hey, I meant to ask your stepdad, but I brought a pistol that I bought off-a some guy at work, can we find a place to shoot it tomorrow?"

and he reaches in his duffle bag, and pulls out a .45.

I'm freakin' lovin this man, it's like watching tv... but the tv show's asleep on my couch.

Anyways, I don't really know what I have planned for today.. Probably a LOT of sleep, and just hanging around with Adam. We were up late last night. It was a lot of fun. We were back in his room alone while everyone else was asleep, we were eating pizza and playing X-box. It was the way it was supposed to be.

I drew for a while last night, which felt really good. I haven't done that for a while. I still need to put the final touches on my picture, but I came out with something really good... Oh, speaking of which, the picture..

So yesterday, this guy at work from marketing (my department that I'm in half of the week) IM's me on the Credit Union messenger, and he's like "Hey, do you do illustrations?"
Well, I drew a ton for them last summer when I was in marketing, so I figured that if they needed something for the department, then he wouldn't ask me a question like that, so I told him yeah, and asked him what he needed. I'm half expecting him to say that he needs something to do with money, or some new promotion or something, and he says:

"Well, I need a voodoo woman. African American, mid 30's.. scary, yet sexy and stylistically futuristic."

I'm thinking, wow.. the Credit Union's marketing department is taking the approach to customers that I would have reccomended YEARS ago.. but he goes on to tell me that he's playing some RPG card game with his friends, and he wanted to surprise them, so when they come to the "Voodoo witch".. he can bust out a picture, and they'll all think he's cool.

I was like, "Eh, what the hell.. it'll be fun to draw." So, I'm gonna see if I can scan the picture and put it on here. It's turning out pretty good.

Anyways, I'm gonna go wake the boy up, and make him play the Playstation with me. I'd play alone, but he's gonna wake up regardless, seeing as how the videogames are in his room.

So, until tomorrow, when I'll probably have another fun update, seeing as how Jay is hoping to shoot his gun.. and he wants to teach Adam some KISS and some Black Sabbath on the electric guitar... Peace, and be good to one another.

In closing, let me give you some words of wisdom from Uncle Jay:

"Never have an affair while you're married. Or, if you do, take a break between sex with the chick you're screwin around with, and goin home to your wife. I'd go be physical with my old girlfriend Rhonda, then go home to 'Estehr', and she'd want to be all sweet with me.. and I'd be too tired.
Man, there's nothin worse than bein too tired for sex."

What the hell man.. seriously...

2004-06-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

Well, the way I could best describe today would be to say that all the little and big things that I've been trying to get over for the past few months finally hit me, and hit me head on. I was seriously depressed today. All the shit from mom and Larry's relationship, Wilma being in a nursing home, my own love life, my loathing of my new job, my lack of friends in Bartlesville, and everything else just piled on top of me today. To make things worse, the lady I normally work with left at 11:30, and the guy whose music I typicall listen to left at 12:00. So, for 5 hours, I had nothing but one file at a time and complete silence to keep me company. Nobody comes into our office when the ladies who work there are gone. Any questions that people would ask them, I would have no idea of the answer.

I got paid today.

I had been asking around between the couple of college kids who had started there last summer like I did, and they said that they had both gotten raises. So, I wrote an e-mail to the lady over payroll, and said I had heard that others had been getting raises, and I wanted to know if I was elligible. She said yes and that she had just overlooked me, but then she sent an e-mail to all the summer help saying that talking about pay to other coworkers was grounds for termination. So, I wasn't supposed to hear about the raise, and she was upset that I had. That kind of peeved me off a little bit. More or less hurt my feelings. It just seemed sneaky.

Today is dad's birthday, but since it was payday, I had waited to go get his present. I knew exactly what I wanted, because it was something I used to have before I gave it to a friend.. Well, since I had bought mine here in Bartlesville, I figured the store would still have it.. but no.. they didn't. So, I could have gotten him something else and sent it before.. but oh well. I got him something that should work out. Mail didn't run today for Reagan's memory, so I'll get it out tomorrow. I'm bad about procrastinating, but seeing as how I've been working for 4 weeks now, and just got paid today for the first time.. I think I was justified in the present delay. Especially considering I had Adam's birthday about a week and a half ago.

I guess I'm supposed to hang out with Caitlin tonight. I honestly just want to sit down and work on my book tonight, but my mom's brother and mom are coming in and invading our house since Wilma's so close to dead. It's really depressing. I'm not a big fan of either of them, and it really pisses me off that they never visit until she's almost gone. I guess it's gonna mean something to her, but seriously.. if people didn't want to talk to me until they found out that they were about to run out of chances, I wouldn't really want to see them.

For those of you who don't know, Wilma is my grandma. She's got cancer, and it's really sped up these past two weeks. It's looking like less than a month or two.

Who knows.

Looks like my Relay for Life, like Caitlin's, is going to have a bit more meaning this year.

I've been talking to my friend Ashley from Tahlequah lately. I really want to hang out with her more when I go back to Tahlequah. She seems like so much fun, and just someone that I would actually get along with. SO many of my female friends in Tahlequah typically just whine all the time, and don't have very good senses of humor.

I was supposed to go to Tahlequah tonight, but Sheryl wasn't very moved in just yet, and I was supposed to sleep on her couch. I'm sure I'll go soon.

Jeremy's out for the weekend. I think he's going to Arkansas, but I forget things sometimes.. Weekend's going to suck without him, but ah well.. he'll have a good time.

Anyways, life's not as bad as I'm making it sound right now, I just needed to vent a little bit. I'm just really in a rut right now. I think Caitlin and I are going to hot tub a little bit, and that should help. I'm wicked tense.

So, I'm out for now. I'll probably update more later, but my mom's mom, Dee, is staying on the guest bed in the computer room.. So, since I don't know what time I'm going to get home.. we'll just see.. Peace be with you all my friends, and keep it real. Roam

Even Samurai's have bad luck

2004-06-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

Well, Jeremy and I had our first sword practice. Let me start by telling you what we did first:

We put on the helmets that my dad ordered me, stood on either side of the road, and waited for the first to car to come by, while we struck menacing poses..

Then, we started practice.

We set up a routine, ran through it a few times soft, and then began doing it. About 12 runs in, we swung low, connected swords, and my sword.. my solid white oak sword.. broke in half. I was a little upset. But, I came in the house, called Century, told the guy what had happened, and a new one is going out in the mail tomorrow.. So, it's not all that bad.

Tonight, I didn't do a whole lot. After Jeremy left, I drove into Blockbuster to meet Caitlin, and we rented Club Dread. After seeing Super Troopers, you'd think that a movie by, and with all the same people would be good.. But no.. you'd be wrong. This movie had maybe two laughs, and then it just wasn't funny. It was a tad gross, and well.. no sir, I didn't like it one bit.

Caitlin left, and now I'm here. Tired, posting, and getting ready to go to bed.

Tomorrow's Friday, which has me pretty stoked. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow night, but Jeremy's going to be out of town, so I'm sure that I'll be with Caitlin. Not that Caitlin's a second plan or anything, but Caitlin and Jeremy are my two best friends, so if I'm not with one, I'm with the other.. Or I'm with both... Or, I'm showering. But-ah-anyways....

I was bored today, so I was looking at the few journals that I can actually look at while I'm at work. I I went back to one of Jenn's old journals. Old as in like a couple of weeks ago. It talked some about me and Susanne. Well, it kind of surprised me. I mean, it said something about how she wanted me to be happy. I never really had anything against Jenn, but from stuff I had heard from other people, I had king of gotten the impression that she wasn't too crazy about me. I guess it was just kind of cool to learn that she saw me as a friend. Anyways, I just thought I'd toss that in.

So for now, I'm off to bed. I can't wait to hang out with Cait tomorrow night. I'll catch you all on the flip side. Be good to one another, Roam

Jobs that even the Devil wouldn't do..

2004-06-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

Alright, well.. the end of another day. I didn't go to work this morning, because I just didn't feel up to it, but I went to Billie's for lunch, ate with Jeremy, and then went in at 1:30. The actual work day that I did today wasn't that bad at all.

Tonight, I went to work at the church, and that was a blast. I was asked to pick a game for the kids tonight, so I picked this game that we played once when I was little. Everyone gets a straw and five Q-tips. You shoot them through your straw across the room from your team to the other team. Last person to not get hit.. wins. It's a real blast.

So, I guess my dad's getting into this enlightenment kick. The same kick that I've been in for the past few years of my life. Only thing is, he's actually going out and buying movies and cd's and books about it. I think it's really awesome that he's found such an interest in it. I hope that having someone who is as fascinated by it as I am will help me. It's nice to have someone to talk to when you're trying to make changes in your life. Especially if they're trying to make the same changes. Our lives are very different, but I think that we both need to find a new kind of happiness than we've both been using.

It hit me tonight how much I miss being affectionate with someone. I would kill to just be hugged right now. I mean, as more than a friend would do. I try to make passes at Jeremy, but he bats them off. His feelings for Jenn are murder to me. Lol.. just kidding...

Anyways, enough about that. I have to put my dream in here from last night:

I dreamed that I was a hitman. No joke, a hitman for Satan. My first mark was this chick who I had a knife fight with, and then I had to report back to Satan. He was red, with a really big belly. He had long hair, pulled back into a ponytail, and he looked like he was made out of metal. He was smoking a cigar, and throwing these big fiery balls down a tube... I don't know why. Oh, and he had two ammo belts on either shoulder.

He told me that my next hit was going to be his son. He pulled down a screen, and showed me his picture. He looked like Ron Pearlman from Hellboy. But, his name was Beelzebub. Only, after Satan told me his real name, he started referring to him as "Bobo". He told me that his son was no longer loyal, and I had to kill him.

Man, it was a weird dream.

Ok, I saw this on Jenn's journal, and I wanted to put it on mine. I'd love for anyone who reads my journal to put it on theirs, with their own answers, just because I thought it actually had some interesting questions.. unlike most of the ones that people usually e-mail me. So, here goes. If any answers come as a surprise, keep your reactions to yourself. Please and thanks.

1. Kissed your cousin: no

2. Ran away: not seriously
3. Pictured your crush naked: Oh yeah..
4. skipped school: God, I've made it an art here in college
5. Broken someone's heart: Regrettably, more than once
6. Been in love: Yes
7. Cried when someone died: only once that I can think of
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: A couple of times
9. Broken a bone: no
10. Done something embarrasing: Yeah, but the older I get, I worry less, and do more
11. Done a drug: a few, but not for a long while
12. Cried in school: Only on my first day of kindergarten, and once in the fifth grade.

*WHICH IS BETTER*
13. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi
14. Sprite or 7UP: sprite
15. Girls or Guys: girls
16. Flowers or Candy: flowers to give, candy to get I guess..
18. Blondes or Brunettes: blondes
20. Tall or Short: shorter than me
21. Pants or Shorts: shorts
22. Night or Day: day

*WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX*
23. What do you notice first: smile and eyes

*THE LAST TIME YOU... *
26. Showered: this morning
27. Stepped outside: about 9 o'clock this evening
28. Had Sex: it's been about a month

29. Romantic memory: Can't say that anyone I've dated has ever planned anything romantic for me.. It's always me that does stuff.
30. Your Good Luck Charm: I don't have one
31. Person You Hate Most: myself on occasion.. I don't really hate anyone else
32. Best Thing That Has Happened: Adam and I got over the petty brother shit, and became friends.

33. On your desk: my laptop, and a couple of pictures
34. Picture on your desktop: a picture of me skating
35. Color: lol.. um.. denim
36. Movie: Shrek 2 or any of the CKY movies I guess.. that's only judging by rewatching value
37. Artist: Salvador Dali, man.. no friggin' contest
38. Cars: I want a VW.. anything
39. Ice Cream: don't really care for it.. I like sherbert (sorbet?)
40. Season: fall
41. Breakfast Food: left over Chinese
42. Makes you laugh the most: Jeremy
43. Makes you smile: people who treat me like they enjoy my company
44. Can make you feel better no matter what: my close family
45. Has a crush on you: not entirely sure
46. Do you have a crush on someone: not entirely sure
47. Who has it easier? Girls or guys? man, it's all give and take.. I think it's a tie
48. Who gives you a funny feeling? the rope in gym class.. eh?

*DO YOU EVER*
49. Sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: it's happened
50. Save AIM conversations: only after fights
51. Save E-mails: yeah
52. Forward secret E-mails: no
53. Wish you were someone else: yes
54. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: no
55. Wear perfume: cologne
58. Go online for longer than eight hours at a time: yeah

*HAVE YOU EVER*
59. Fallen for your best friend?: It's happened
60. Made out with JUST a friend?: yes
61. Kissed two people in the same day? yeah
62.Had sex with two different people in the same day? been pretty close
63. Been rejected: yeah
64. Been in love?: yes
65. Been in lust?: yes
66. Used someone?: yes
67. Been used?: yes
68. Cheated on someone?: yes
69. Been cheated on?: yes
70. Been kissed?: yes
71. Done something you regret?: Haven't we all?

*WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...*
72. You touched?: Adam
74. You hugged?: a couple of kids hugged me when they saw me at church tonight
55. You instant messaged?: my friend Ashley from Tahlequah
76. You kissed?: Adam's head :)
77. You yelled at?: nobody in a bad way.. I yelled a lot at church tonight, but it was all in fun.
78. You thought about?: Ben
79. Who text messaged you?: Caitlin.. nobody else does

*dO YOu>...*
82. Color your hair? nope
83. Have tattoos?: 3
84. Have piercings?: have before

85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: at times, even I don't know
86. Own a webcam?: yes
87. Own a thong?: Two, and I wear them on my feet
88. Ever get off the computer? yes

89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: watch your mouth sweetheart
90. Habla espanol?: Hai
91. Quack?: only at the duck pond.. and that's when the geese get agressive.

*HAVE YOU/ do you/ ARE YOU*
92. Stolen anything?: I took a GI Joe from my neighbor's garage when I was a kid, but I didn't think it was stealing. I thought they were free for the taking. I was like 2.

93. Smoke?: on occasion
94. Schizophrenic? no.. yes... wait, no
95. Obsessive?: on certain things

96. Compulsive?: at times
97. Obsessive compulsive?: no
98. Panic?: only when I think I'm being wronged
99. Anxiety?: yeah
100. Depressed?: I've got a prescription.. wow, what a nice way to end this..

Anyways, I'd love to hear some of these things about you guys.

I'm going to bed now, be good to one another, Roam

I remember things like this once in a while

2004-06-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

It was an interesting night. Things with my friends are kind of in a weird spot right now. I like hanging out with everyone, but it seems like there's all this drama just boiling over with a lot of different people, and I don't want to be there when it spills over.
We played mini-golf tonight, and it was a lot of fun. Then, Ali left because she had just been with us while she was waiting for her other friends to be free. Then, Cait, Jeremy, and I went back to Jeremy's house for a little while, and then I took Caitlin to her car and came home.
When I took Caitlin to her car though, we talked for a little while. I'm starting to remember things about when she and I were friends before that I had forgotten. I guess they're kind of personal, I just wanted to make a note of it in here for myself.

Anyways, I'm going to go hook it up on The Getaway now, and then I'm going to go draw, and go to bed. Peace be with you all, LB

My meditations have been... unsatisfying

2004-06-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't update yeterday, but truly, nothing huge happened. It was a typical Monday. I went to lunch, ate at Billie's with Jeremy for lunch, and then went home. Jeremy came out and rode bikes with me for our usual 2 mile. I wonder if this is actually making any difference in our physical fitness, I need to kick it up, and do something on top of this I think though if I want to actually look good for the end of the summer.
After our bike ride, we went in and played "The Getaway" for a little while. Man, I think I'm addicted to that game. It's like Grand Theft Auto, but more like a movie, and everyone has a British accent. I mean, I've always really liked British movies, so I guess that explains my enfatuation with this game. I just think it's pretty bitchin. So, then after playing that for a little while, Jeremy went home, and I started to write. I hope to have a story completely written by the end of this summer. I've got 2 really good ideas, and even if I never go anywhere with them, I want to know that I wrote a whole book out on my own before I finally give up.
I'd been writing for a while, when Caitlin called and invited me out to her house. So, I made that long drive to her place, and Toni and Toni's little sister came too. I think it was a good time. Her parents were gone, which was kind of nice, because I think they still have a little hostility towards me, but they told her I could come over, while they weren't there, so that's a big step.
We didn't really do anything while we were there though, we just hung out in her room and played with Ivan. Toni would sing to him, and he'd flip out and bark at her, and jump at her. It was hilarious.

Anyways, I stayed there for about an hour, and then I went home, hung out with mom for awhile, and then went to bed. I was really tired this morning though, so I guess I didn't go to bed early enough.

Today, I went to work again, even though I really didn't want to. I had lunch with Jeremy, and then tonight, he's coming out again for a bike ride. Then, around 8:30 or so, we're going into town to play mini-golf with Caitlin and Ali. That should be pretty fun. I haven't played mini-golf since the time I took that one girl from Dewey out on our one and only date. I think her name was Sasheen. She turned out to be pretty weird. So, I'm sure this time will be better.

Well, that's about it for now though, I've just been trudging along. I put a comment on my dad's journal about some book that he accidentally ordered two of that I wanted to buy one copy off of him, but I haven't heard back from him. So, I guess I can just wait on that one.

Um, I think that's enough. I might post before I go to bed. I'm tired though, so who knows. Later, LB

These inbetween days, revisited

2004-06-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a pretty good weekend. Not a whole lot has actually happened, but overall, I've enjoyed myself. It just flew by, as they always do.
Yesterday, I woke up and went by Billie's, and then I went to Jeremy's for the afternoon. We had some good time just us guys, watching tv, and we went to Pizza Hut, where Caitlin hooked us up with some cheap food. Then, I went to the skate park.

The skate park yesterday was a blast. There were like 5 kids there, all about 13, and instead of leaving like I normally do, because I'm not that good yet, I just stayed there and talked to them. They gave me tips and stuff. It was way cool.

Then, last night, I went and saw Harry Potter again, which wasn't as bad as the first time. I think I just had too high expectations the first time, and then the second time, when I knew that it wasn't everything I had hoped for, I actually liked it for what it was.

Anyways, today, we went to Garfield's for lunch. It was funny at Garfield's though.

I was drawing on the table, and the waiter came up and was like,

"Dang, you're good."

and he said tha the was going to bring me some paper so I could draw a picture to be framed on the wall there. So, I asked Adam what I shoudl draw, and he told me to draw an old man feeding the birds. So, I did. When I finished it, the guy was like

"Man, I don't think I'm goin go to hang this up here, I think I'm going to take it home and hang it up at my place."

That was just pretty cool...

Um, then after that, I went to Sear's with Adam and priced video cameras and digital cameras. I would like to get a new digital camera, because I always want to take pictures, but I hate developing film. I think it would be cool to have a way to put pictures on my computer, and maybe on my journal.

Then, I went to youth, to start as an intern. Man, those kids are going to wear me out. They all remember me though, so they actually still like me, and don't see me as some new adult who's coming in to tell them what to do. They actually listen to me.

Um, then after that, I hung out with Caitlin for a while. She seemed like she was in a weird mood, and she kind of left in a hurry when she finally went home, but I guess we all have out nights.

But anyways, I'm off to play The Getaway with Adam for like 10 minutes, and then I'm going to bed. Peace be with you all, LB

If I knew how, I'd be meditating...

2004-06-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight after work, I came home and went for a bike ride. That was nice. I prefer going with someone else, but once in a while, it's cool to just get out by yourself, and take some time to think. Though, the ride is only 2 miles, so there really isn't time to contemplate on anything seriously deep.

Then, I came back, took a shower, and headed off to meet Cait and Toni to go to Sunfest. That was a pretty fun time. I think it's growing old to me though, because it seems that every year, it's the same things.

Susanne called me while I was at Sunfest, which was really strange. It's weird how some people can always call you, and interrupt any thought process that you have going on at that time. How they can call and either make or kill whatever mood it is you have going on. Maybe it's because our relationship has been up in the air for a while now, but for some reason, I just feel different when I talk to her. I don't know what that feeling is.

Then, after the "Fest", Caitlin and I took Toni home and then went to see Harry Potter with my mom and Adam. I can't say that I can't really say that I liked this one as much as the others, but oh well, it was still a pretty decent movie. I just think that they could have made it just a tad longer, and included some pretty cool and important stuff. Like, I think if I hadn't read the books, I would have been lost. I just hope that Jeremy can do alright. Though, I'm sure with Jenn and me there tomorrow night, we'll be able to keep him in the know.

Anyways, I'm going to go to bed here in a little bit. Who am I kidding? I'm going to have a couple of drinks before I go to bed. I'm pretty riled up for some reason, and I need to collect my thoughts, since I can actually sleep in tomorrow.

Tomorrow should be fun. I've got a bike ride, skating, and swordplay... I can't wait. I want to learn how to use this sword so bad!

Peace, LB

It was kind of like Adam's birthday... again

2004-06-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

Well, everyone's leaving right now, because they came out to our house for cake and ice cream. Everyone being Larry's family and Billie. I'm pretty bored right now, but Jeremy's supposed to come out if he gets off of work in time to hang out for a while, and Caitlin's going to come out here after a while.
Oh, there was one thing that I wanted to put in here yesterday, that I forgot.
So, there I was at work, using my computer, and I started to move the mouse down to the taskbar. Well, the mouse kept jumping up to the top of the screen, so I figured that there was just something wrong with the roller in it. It's an old style mouse with the ball in it and everything. So, I just fought it from going to the top of the screen.
I was using Microsoft Access to make a database, and randomly, the mouse rolled up to the top of the screen and downsized my program. Then, it went to the bottom of the screen, and maximized my buddy list. I was starting to get weirded out. I mean, I've had my mouse wig out before, but never take control of programs...

And then, it clicked on the taskbar. My hand was completely off of it by this point, and I was just watching it go on its own. It opened notepad, and the words "who is this" were slowly typed into the window. I was starting to think that I was in the Matrix, and that I was "the One". So, I typed "Alex, why..".

I was pretty freaked out by this point, but then it typed back..

"This is Don on the third floor, we're remotely logged into your computer, and you're not showing up as Alex..." etc etc... So, it turned out that they were just randomly hacked into my machine, and it wasn't Morpheus..

But that was my interesting point for the day. I thought I was going to learn Kung Fu...

Oh well, I'm going to go hang with Adam and wait to hear from my friends. Peace, Roam

Roam, or LB? Which nickname should I go with? Comments would be appreciated. They both have meaning, so they're not just random things. I just really want a nickname. :)

And yes, he was my uncle...

2004-06-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a pretty great night. Pretty strange, in the fact that I didn't really do anything that I thought I would, but pretty great all in all.
I got home and fixed dinner. Mom and Adam were at church, so it was just me and Larry. I had a drink with my dinner, but not much at all. Then, I went outside and played with my sword. Even thought I didn't think I was going to.. I did. Oh, and it's about the funnest thing ever. I can't wait for Jeremy to get his, so we can fight with them.
In a fate-like move tonight, the Discovery channel had an hour long documentary on "The Ninja". It was pretty cool. Caitlin called during it though, so I went to the duck pond and walked for a bit with her, then to Braums, then Albertson's, and then out to my house. We laid on my bed talking about the year and a half that has taken place since the last time we talked, and that was great. We actually brought up some touchy subjects, like all the horrible stuff we did to each other, and looking at it now, I'm glad we can actually talk to each other, let alone about that stuff... I imagine that after a while, it's going to be like it was before the huge fight, but it's going to be better, because in the years since we were friends in highschool, we've both changed, to become ourselves.. and now, we're getting to know the real person that the other one is.
I was a tad bummed that Jeremy didn't come out, but his mom was home, so I completely understand why he couldn't make it. There wasn't really anything going on.. Just playing videogames, which he's probably pretty tired of anyways because I think he did a lot of that during the day today.

Anyways, I hope my bo comes tomorrow. I don't know what I have on the plate. Hopefully, I'll see Jeremy and Caitlin. Other than that, I could do anything else, and be happy. So, until we meet again, peace.. Roam

The day of the Samurai

2004-06-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

Right on, just a short post. The sword came tonight, and I couldn't be more excited. It just had to rain today though, so I'm probably not going to start practice tonight, but heck, tomorrow is soon enough for me. Just putting it together, and then swinging it around my room was enough for me.

Work was a drag today, but only because I was DOG tired. I kept doing the head nod thing where you don't know you're asleep until you jerk out of it... Good times I suppose. I think I actually did it in the elevator. I stayed up too late last night watching Adam play his new game. Sucked to be me today, but I didn't want him to have a new game, and then have to play it alone on his birthday.

Anyways, I got a letter from Susanne today, from before I guess she got my latest letter. It talks about how we haven't been glorifying God with our relationship, and she wants to change everything in her life. It's exactly what I knew would happen when she went to camp. They get these kids there, tell them that everything outside of camp is ungodly, and then send them home to "witness" to people. Just kind of pisses me off. I've been on every end of the spectrum. I've been the most passionate Christian, and I've been the most confused Atheist, but I've never been pushy. If it's your religion, keep it that way. Your religion. Don't push it on people. The whole point to faith is just that.. Having faith. Not following what someone else tells you, it's about discovering things on your own.

Anyways, I'm gonna step off my soap box for now, go play some PS2, drink a little, and wait for either Caitlin or Jeremy to call me. It couldn't be a better night. Peace be with you all, Roam

Eh, this enlightenment thing...

2004-06-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

So, I'm finding out that it's tough to be passive. It's tough to not be confrontational when things are bothersome to you. This whole thing with Molly's mom is giving me a pretty good test to practice what I've been trying to do all along though.

This morning, I got to work and wrote her an e-mail, telling her that I had heard that she thought ill of me, and I wanted to at least tell her my side of the story before she told anyone else anything that wasn't true. Well, it's been kind of frustrating, considering her response and all, but I'm going to play the monk card, and just drop it all. Her opinion of me matters not, nor does Caitlin's step-mom's.

I'm going to bed now. I believe that Adam had a great birthday, I got him 2 PS2 games, and a Playboy. I just felt like it was the good big brother thing to do.

Jeremy came to dinner with us, and then came out to the house to ride bikes. It was a good time all around.

So, I'm in bed. Roam

Yeah, my new nickname... Roam...

By the time you read this, I'll be a woman...

2004-05-31T20:23:00.000-07:00

So, tonight.. well, it was alright. I mean, it was actually pretty good, but I'm just tired, and dreading work tomorrow, so yeah.. it was alright.

Today, I didn't do a whole lot this morning, but I woke up at nine. I was supposed to sleep in today, but I got up at around nine. Oh well, I can't typically make myself sleep in, once I'm up.. I'm up.

Anyways, this afternoon, Larry and Adam went to see Troy, and mom and I saw Van Helsing. It wasn't bad.. but it wasn't great either. I mean, it was just kind of corny. Definitely not bloody enough.. and I don't even really like bloody movies. But, if you're going to make a movie with a werewolf and a vampire.. you need some blood.

So, then this afternoon, I went to Billie's with mom, but I skated while they talked. Well, I say skated. I did a little bit, but every 10 minutes or so, one of her neighbors would come out, and I'd have to quit and visit.. Everyone on her block is old, and they're all so sweet.. but dang can they talk your ears off. I guess it's better that they want to talk to me, instead of just silently watching me from their windows. I mean, they respect me instead of thinking I'm some skater punk. That's cool..

So, then tonight, Mom and I went to Wal-Mart and bought a butt-load of chicken, and some potato salad, and some corn. We came out to the house and Caitlin brought Ivan, Jeremy and Ben came too. We cooked the food, and the four of us went for a bike ride. I had to ride Adam's bike, seeing as how I was the shortest one there, and I didn't want to give Caitlin the crummy bike, since she really didn't want to go anyways.. Well, that bike was a murderer. I now know why Adam hated it so much, and was always so out of breath. I can ride 2 miles on my bike, and barely be breathing at all, but tonight, I was all dry mouthed, and sweaty.. Holy crap, it just sucked.

We all got back and had dinner. Ivan had a really good time with Sandy I think, which is awesome. Sandy is always the smallest dog, so it was good to have a puppy around for her to play with. I hope Caitlin brings him more often. Heck, I don't even care if she stays, she can just drop the dog off (kidding)...

Then, Jeremy and Ben left and Caitlin and I watched "Where the Heart is" I forgot that I actually liked that movie. I guess growing up with mom has led me to actually like that type of movie, but it's all good.

So.. um.. I think that's about it.. OH...

Caitlin tells me that her step mom told her that LeeAnn, Molly's mom told her some interesting things about me. Now, I'm trying really hard to become a peaceful person, I want to take all gossip out of my life, and if LeeAnn had just thought ill of me, I don't think it would be a problem. But, she's taking things that didn't happen from my past, and using them to put bad thoughts of me in the minds of people in my life now.

Now that Caitlin and I are starting to become good friends again,
I want her parents to like me. Yeah, I messed up a long time ago with just Caitlin, but the stuff that LeeAnn told Shelly (Caitlin's step-mom) weren't even true.

I guess she told her that I was with another girl sometime that Molly came down. Molly helped me move into the apartment, and that was before I really knew anybody else in Tahlequah, so we spent that weekend completely alone, well, alone and my cousin Mark dropped by.. Then, after school started, and I was starting to make friends again, Molly came to visit. She got rained on, and the first thing she said to me when she got there was "I'm never coming to Tahlequah again!" We spent that afternoon alone, and then went to Dana's, because her boyfriend Brad was in town. Molly got mad because we were hanging out with a girl I used to date, even though her boyfriend was there, and then we went back to my apartment.

Dana was the only girl I was friends with during my relationship with Molly, and she had a boyfriend. I don't know what Molly told her mom, but I'm going to go into work tomorrow, and tell her my side of things.

I remember Andrew WK saying one time "When I'm upset with someone, I make it a point to go talk to them, to hear what they think about everything, and usually, by the time I leave.. I'm feeling better about that person." Too many times in my life before I've avoided things, or talked about people behind their backs.. Well, not anymore. I want things in my life to be out in the open, and to be honest with everyone. So, I'm just going to calmly talk to her. I thought she liked me when I was dating Molly, so I'm going to see where things went wrong. I'm too young to have coworkers not liking me.

I really hope my sword and bo come tomorrow, I'm way stoked about learning how to practice with them. I think Jeremy is going to buy one too, so I'll have someone to practice with. I just don't know how good I will get alone.

I'm tired, and I need to get up early in the morning, so, until later... Peace, LB

My very own powwow...

2004-05-31T00:52:00.000-07:00

So today was pretty good. I went to church this morning, and then to lunch at Garfield's with Adam, Mom, and Billie. We had a good time, because it's just fun to draw on the table. Especially because I've realized just how funny it is to take my crayons and draw something mildly inappropriate in front of Billie. She laughs, but she gets really embarrased. I love my family, they all have such great senses of humor.

Anyways, then, this afternoon, I came home and went for the usual 2 mile bike ride with Adam. Man, we belt that ride out, I mean like 10 minutes, and we're done. It's a lot of fun, and my legs are getting a hellacious workout. Speaking of which, Jeremy wants to start working out with me this summer, and I'm wicked stoked about that. I hate doing most of this stuff alone, and I've got the feeling that even as much as I hate working out, doing it with Jeremy will make it not that bad at all. I think we're both pretty unhappy with the way we look.

So, I went to see The Day After Tomorrow with Jeremy and Kyle. Can't say I really liked it all that much. I guess I was just sleepy today though, because I fell asleep for like 20 minutes. Don't get me wrong, the special effects were freaking amazing, but it was all just a little preposterous.

Susanne called during the movie, and I called her back afterwards. I don't know what to say to her. I wrote her "the letter" but she hadn't gotten it yet, and honestly, I didn't plan on talking to her until after I wrote her. I told her what was going through my head today though, she cried, and I stayed strong. I was really proud of myself. I'm finally out for me. And, that feels good.

I went to Jeremy's for a few after I talked to Suz, and then Caitlin came and got me. We drove to her house out in the boonies, and then she took me to a powwow. I'm really starting to have a great time when I hang out with her. I guess I say that every night now, so I'll lay off tonight, I just had a blast. I guess her mom doesn't hate me anymore, which is good. I went to her house tonight, and her dad, her uncle, and her step-mom were all sitting there drinking beer.. Well, I guess none of them like me because of what happened between me and Cait a year and a half ago (believe me, they have right) but that was just really uncomfortable. I deserve any negative feelings they have towards me though, well.. Caitlin's mom and dad at least, not her step-mom and uncle.. so I'm just going to have to take the time to show them that I've grown up, and I'm not all bad. Cait's dad seemed to like me before all the shit with us went down, and I'm sure we can get back to that point. I'm patient.

So, I'm out now. I'm going to go to bed. Caitlin and I watched "Haggard" tonight, and I'm just really happy. I don't know if she liked it, I'd be willing to lean towards no.. but I really like that movie. I guess it all boils down to the single fact that I want to be Bam Margera. Oh well though, I guess we all have our idols. I've got Bam, Ben's got Billy Corgen, and Jeremy's got Madonna. We all strive to be like these people, and damn it if we don't end up that way. (Ok, totally kidding on Jeremy)

Later all, LB

Apple juice, rum, and one sleepy tyke....

2004-05-30T00:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm getting ready to go to bed. It's like 2, and Ben and Cait just left. I'm in a really strange mood, especially considering I haven't hardly had anything to drink. I've just got a lot of shit going through my head. I think, hanging out with Caitlin, it's like my life has almost come full circle. I miss the person I was back when Cait and I used to hang out. I was so much happier. Hell, it was before I even thought about college, and before I had really ever made any decisions that I regretted. But now, hanging out with her again, it's just like I'm starting to feel like that old Alex again. I'm really liking the feeling that I get when I hang out with her, simply because it's me. The real me. The old me.

I've got a lot of mixed up feelings running through my head right now though, so I figure it'd probably be better to get one more drink and head to bed, seeing as how I have to get up and go to church in the morning. I want to write everything that I'm feeling down, but even as how this is my journal, writing my feelings in here right now would almost be selfish. Seeing as how I know that the people I want to write the most about are readers.

So, I'm going to sleep on it, and hope things clear up a bit. LB

When it rains...

2004-05-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so tonight has gone by kind of slow. Jeremy said we were probably going to hang out, but I guess he's busy with school stuff again. I just hope I can do something with him tomorrow night. I mean, I went to his house today, which was an awesome time, but I get more bored at night than I do during the day, so that's when I would really like to hang out with him.
Anyways, Ben's on his way over, and we're going to go hang out with Caitlin. I guess she had a pretty rough day. Her grandpa has cancer, and from the sound of things, it seems like he's just where grandma wilma is right now. He's dying, it's just a matter of time. Hopefully he has more time than grandma..
Anyways, so.. I don't know what we're going to do tonight. I'm pretty tired. I wrote Susanne a really long letter today about all the shit that's going on in my mind. I practically told her that we were going to be broken up at least until she got home. I'm not going to just sit around, single in all practical senses of the term, while I'm on my few remaining summer days. God damn it, this is college. I don't imagine I'm going to go out and be wild, but I do know that this is my fucking summer, not her summer in which I wait for her. She's having fun at camp, and well, I'm gonna follow suit.

Anyways, I went for a bike ride with Adam tonight. I think we're going to start going. I realized tonight that even though he's skinny, athletically, I'm in better shape. We went over two big hills, and he had to stop each time. I'm still a big guy, but I've been jogging and boxing enough this summer I guess, that it didn't even leave me short of breath.
We passed a deer, which was pretty cool. She was like 15 feet away, and just stood there staring at me, but when I stopped to look at her, she bolted. I yelled some jibberish to make Adam laugh. It was a good experience. I think we would have ridden longer, but we were both starting to feel rain, and it was almost dark.

Um, that's really all there was to my night. I played BMX XXX a whole lot tonight, I think I'm getting really good at it. (What the hell that will ever help me with in life, I don't know) Maybe someday, I can apply for a job, and be like "I don't have any experience in your field sir, but I'd like to bring up the fact that I played BMX XXX long enough to unlock the "topless rider" cheat code. Yeah, this one is getting me my career.

Hmm... I think I'm going to end this here. I don't imagine anything crazy will happen tonight, but if it does... you'll be the first to know. I've got to get up in the morning to be a "sheperd" in the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade classes. Read "sheperd" as "crowd control".. but oh well, they were shorthanded, so I told them I could do it. I mind the actual job a lot less than getting up that early on my weekend. At least I get Monday off.

I'm sure Ben should be here pretty soon, so peace out. Hope all is well with all. LB

Saturday

2004-05-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

So, it's Saturday, middle of the day, and I'm dead tired. This is going to be short, because Adam is waiting on me to play X-Box with him. My first Samurai shipment came in today. My set of tonfa's came (Think of a cop's nighstick) It's pretty cool. I have no idea how to use them, but hopefully by the end of the summer... who knows.
Ben stayed the night here with me last night. We didn't do much, but it was great to have him around. We hung out with Cait and Ali, but they both had to go home early because of their parents. Sometimes, I think I take for granted the fact that I can stay at mom's house and make my own schedules. All of my friends' parents expect them home at a certain hour.
I went to Jeremy's at 12 today and watched the second LOTR. He and Kyle are watching all three today, but that's just WAY too much in one day for me. I found out today that Kyle thinks Jennifer thinks I spend too much time with Jeremy. That kind of stinks, seeing as how I really don't see him more than once a week, if that. But oh well, I guess she's entitled to her opinion.
Anyways, I'm going to go play. I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the day, hopefully something with Caitlin, but expect an update tonight. Peace out, LB

.. Here it comes...

2004-05-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, well.. I'm getting ready to go to bed. I just wanted to make one more quick post.. more to ask a question, than for anything else.

I talked to Susanne today some. I guess she had a free day. We talked about her camp and stuff like that, but for some reason, the more I talked to her, the worse mood I was in. I mean, it's like this. I've got a 20 year old girlfriend, and she at camp for 2 of the three months that I'm in Bartlesville. Well, not only is she at camp, she's at camp where I can't reach her. I get to see her once in the middle for a day, just because she asked off to see her friend get married, and I get to talk to her on the phone 6 times total in 2 months. Now, this bothers me. Honestly, this pisses me off. Am I wrong in that? Honestly? I truly don't know if I'm blowing it out of proportion. I think it would be different if I lived in the same town as her normally.. but when I'm at school, and then I come home for just a couple of months, to have her gone for son long really sucks.
So, I told her that I couldn't do two months next summer, being as how it was my last summer to ever really have off.. and she was like "Me either, I'm just going for one month..." Well, that still stinks to me. I really feel like I'm being whiney, but could anyone who reads this tell me what you think about the whole situation.

Adam said the other day that he wished Susanne and I would break up. That was really a shocker to me. I mean, he rarely has a strong opinion on anything, and for him to say that, well.. it kind of knocked my socks off.

Anyways, I'm going to bed. I did a workout tape with mom, then jogged a half mile, lifted weights, and meditated. I bought a book, and I'm learning how. It's really pretty neat, it's really easy to read and understand.

So, I'm a little bummed tonight, but I know that I not only get to see Ben tomorrow. I not only get to see Jeremy tomorrow... I get to see Ben, and Jeremy at the same time. My two closest friends in the world. I'm so stoked. I talked to Caitlin, and I think we're going to drink. I don't know if Jeremy will, but I know Ben will be happy too. In fact, I'll probably barely drink any, and then let him crash at my place.

So, for tonight.. I'm done. Keep it real, and please.. if you have any opion at all, whether it goes with, or contradicts mine on the whole Susanne at camp thing, let me know. I want some outside feedback. Thanks, LB

Evening bliss`

2004-05-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I think today, yeah.. one of the funniest things that have ever happened to me happened.

So, I was down in the basement of the Credit Union, counting out these newsletters that we have to send out, I was completely alone, and this old man comes down. He gets a dolly out of the next room over, and wheels it off. I didn't think anything of it.
Then, about 15 minutes later, he comes back, but I guess I didn't see him or hear him come up.

"Where you want these wieners?" he says to me,
startling me out of my counting.

I told him that I didn't know where they wanted them, realizing that he was talking about hotdogs, fighting back my 12 year old's desire to bust into a fit of laughter.

"Let's go see where they're supposed to go." I told him.

So, he turns around, and heads to the main office in the basement. It's the office where all deliveries go. I guess he just came to me first, since he saw me before he got to the office. Well, I followed him there, and I figured that by my saying "Let's go see..." he's assume that I
was going to follow him.

So, we go into the office, and nobody's there. I start to say that I'll give someone a call, and all I got out was "Let me see.." and he makes this sound that I don't know if I can even type. I guess it would have been like "Bwah!" but really loud, and really rushed. It scared the crap out of me, I thought he was going to attack or something.

Well, turns out that he forgot that I was behind him, and I scared him when I said something. Holy cow, my heart was racing so fast. He was like "Sorry, I'm jumpy."

Anyways, the commotion made the secretary come in to see what the heck was going on. She was like "Do I need to check both of your blood pressures?!?"

I just laughed a lot, and that was that.

So yeah, they had me down in the basement today. I had to count and divide 30,000 newsletters and 30,000 stickers. Holy crap... that was boring. I finally got it done, and got them all ready to ship out, so I'm back upstairs in the marketing department today.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight, but I'll figure something out I'm sure. Hope everyone is well, and I'll hit you all up soon. Peace, LB

Oh yeah, Susanne called today. That was weird. I mean, I know she's only been gone for a week, but I think to keep from missing her, I've been trying to not think about her, and then talking to her today just kind of sent it home that I have a girlfriend that I can't talk to. It's really stupid, and I told her that if she was going to camp for 2 months next summer, I wanted to know, so I could break things off with her. A little drastic, I know.. but next summer will be my LAST summer ever before I start a career, and if I have a girlfriend, then I want to spend it with her.

Anyways, I'm gonna go play BMX XXX.. later

Ah, the duck pond

2004-05-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

So, we all went to the duck pond. Ali, Caitlin, Toni, Jeremy, and myself.. and that was a really good time. Jeremy and I both brought some bread, and we fed the geese. Man, some of those birds are aggressive. I mean, we must be pretty big to them, but they just come up, and practically insist on you feeding them.

Then, after the pond, we all went to Braums, and that was a really good time. I tried my hardest to embarrase Ali, and I think I did an alright job. I was just really loud, and all up in her face... and she hates that. I just miss getting to mess with those girls.
I'm so glad that we're all hanging out again. I can honestly say that all the awkwardness is gone. Well, at least for me.

They moved me up to marketing today, and that was freaking awesome. I love working up there. The people, and the work are just a lot of fun. I don't mind doing it at all. Even the shitty part of my job from last summer is gone. I had to fold and stuff a lot of envelopes, well.. now they got this machine that folds stuff for you. You can put a stack of 200 papers in there, and they're folded within a minute. It's amazing. I mean, I know I'm easily impressed... but this thing is pretty boss.

Oh, I ordered my birthday present from my mom today. I'm so excited about it. I know I'm a nerd, but I'm so stoked about this stuff that it's not even funny. I ordered a wooden practice samurai sword, a new bo, and a set of tonfa's (they're like a police officer's night stick). I'm going to start doing that to stay in shape. I know, I know.. there aren't any samurai's anymore.. But I was reading this book the other day, and it was telling you to take an audit of your life. To see if you were doing the things you wanted to do, or the things you thought you should do.. and I decided that, fuck it.. I want a samurai sword. I want to use it.. so damn it, I'm going to.

Ok, enough of that, I'm just excited. You guys know how I am.

I'm going to bed now, Peace out.

Oh, the sweatiness.... ugh

2004-05-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

So yeah, another night of jogging at 10:30. I mean, it's SO tough getting onto that treadmill.. but you know what.. after I do it, I feel so good. I can't tell that I've lost any weight yet, but I've only done it religiously now for a week. It just feels like so much longer. I'm just hoping that by the time I have to go back to Tahlequah, I'll have a noticable difference in my physique. I mean, I'm not that badly out of shape, but I want to be in shape. Yeah... shapes... I want to be an upside down triangle... not a circle.

I'm tired, but I'm going to go read for about 15 minutes, and then go to bed.

I want to be a samurai. That's my thought for the night.

Moving in...

2004-05-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

Well, my dad has a journal here on blogger, so I thought I'd just blogger my self on over here and try things out. I'm not going to post much, because I'm wicked tired, and I'm just not in the mood to type a whole lot.

Work sucked today, and I really am starting to think that I have the most boring job in the world.. But other than that, it wasn't half a bad day.

I hung out with Caitlin tonight. I honestly think that hanging out with her is going to be really good for me. I think it's going to start making me think about where I've been in life. I mean, Caitlin was one of the biggest mess ups I've ever had. I treated her horribly, and I'm starting to see that if she can forgive me for being so bad to her.. well, then maybe I can just use that to be an awesome person.

So, that's it for now, I'm off.. but I'll post more in the future. Peace out.